The Biggest Boneheaded Crimes in Sports
The cuffs were strapped on, mug shots precisely snapped and psyches fully tarnished. But this was no routine stop.
Stealing a $3 taco from a Gainesville vendor on March 30 gave former Florida guard Ervin Walker a permanent spot on a list of other misguided sportsmen, but more importantly, it gave us an excuse to look back on those who have yet to master the law...or personal responsibility.
Dumb, ridiculous and baffling are a few words that can describe the athletes we'll count down here.
Here are the 25 biggest boneheaded crimes in sports, sure to make you slam your forehead violently into your palm.
25. Adam Pacman Jones Goes Clubbin'
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Making it rain is a tricky process, as the shiny green dolla' dolla' bills can cloud any kind of judgement.
So when Pacman Jones decided to shower $81,020 over 40 strippers at the Minxx Gentlemen's Club & Lounge in 2007, chaos was to be expected.
Apparently the controversial cornerback wasn't pleased when the strippers and owners of the club scampered for each bill like hungry pigeons on a populated sidewalk, considering he slammed a stripper's head against the stage.
Amid the ensuing melee were smashed champagne bottles, bites, screams and several gunshots.
Just another mess in the life of former Titan and current Bengal Adam Jones.
24. Eugene Robinson Takes a Turn for the Worse
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The word irony was perhaps perfectly defined the night before Super Bowl XXXIII by Falcons Pro Bowl safety Eugene Robinson.
After receiving the Bart Starr Award for his "high moral character" the night before the big game, Robinson was ready to break the mold in his celebration.
But it didn't quite work out the way he'd planned when Robinson was arrested that same night for offering an undercover cop $40 for oral sex.
Getting burned by Rod Smith for an 80-yard touchdown in the second quarter and losing the Super Bowl to the Broncos 34-19 capped a memorable 24 hours.
23. Francisco Rodriguez Doesn't Respect His Elders
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There are few things colder than an in-law's love, but Francisco Rodriguez (known as K-Rod to those who care) wasn't ready for the cold shoulder following a loss in 2010.
The former Mets closer allegedly went into the family lounge, grabbed his girlfriend's father and thrust him into the tunnel, hitting him in the face and slamming his head into the wall.
Carlos Pena would take home several scrapes and a bruised psyche, while Rodriguez would prepare for a litany of restraining orders.
We should've seen the warning signs.
22. Cedric Griffin Keeps It Real
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Shirt cleanly pressed, chains perfectly dangling for the crowd to see, jeans precisely below the waist...it's all part of the nightlife swag.
And former Vikings, current Redskins cornerback Cedric Griffin wasn't prepared to change his ways in 2007, even after bouncers at the Spin nightclub in downtown Minneapolis notified him of the required dress code.
After refusing to pull up his pants, Griffin found himself dragged outside and maced by cops as he helplessly screamed threats.
Even more baffling is the fact that Griffin was the sixth Viking to be arrested in the previous 12 months.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
21. Joe Cullen Enjoys Freedom
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When a certain Wendy's drive-thru worker came into work on a quiet night in August of 2006, he probably wasn't ready for his most famous and misguided patron of the night.
Former Lions defensive line coach Joe Cullen was called in for ordering food and drinks while completely nude.
Policemen found him moments later in his car, still without clothes of course, likely munching on his treats.
Let's blame it on the alcohol.
20. Jeremiah Masoli and Garrett Embry Attempt to Pledge
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Another promising career seemingly down the drain.
After former Oregon Ducks Jeremiah Masoli and Garrett Embry allegedly stole two computers and a guitar from the Sigma Alpha Epsilon house in January of 2010, all coach Chip Kelly could do was drop his head in defeat...and suspend his phenom quarterback.
Masoli now finds himself scrapping on the Canadian Football League gridiron with the Edmonton Eskimos.
A chilling finish.
19. Erving Walker's Hungry Theft
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He may be known as Florida's all-time leader in assists (547), but former Gator Erving Walker decided to score himself when he stole a $3 taco from a Gainesville street vendor and ran from approaching police.
Now that he's been charged $301 for the theft, we can only hope he enjoyed every last crumb.
18. Jeff Reed Takes His Anger out
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There are few things more frustrating than using a restroom that is out of towels, so we can somewhat understand former Steelers kicker Jeff Reed's temper tantrum back in 2009 at a Sheetz on U.S. Route 22, when he destroyed the dispenser and made a ruckus at the gas station cashier.
The controversial kicker has never been one to shy away from the spotlight, but this kind of anger shouldn't be tolerated.
Time to put him at linebacker and give him some real perspective on his "toughness".
17. Cedric Benson Tests the Waters
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There's an easy way to avoid getting caught boating while intoxicated, and it involves shutting off the vehicle.
But apparently running back Cedric Benson, like many of his peers, believed his fame allowed him to walk on water when stopped by a Lower Colorado River Authority officer for a "random safety inspection."
Considering the boat featured 15 family members, we're ready to side with Benson on this one.
The handling of the matter remains in question, like many others.
16. Raheem Brock Forgets to Pay
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Some athletes beg for bigger contracts, others ignore tabs. Defensive end Raheem Brock became a member of the latter category when he allegedly walked out on a $27 bill at a Philadelphia nightclub.
Those jack and cokes can get pricey, so his frustration is understandable.
But his actions? Not so much.
15. Patrick Kane Gets Physical
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It seemed like a harmless cab trip for 2007 first-overall pick Patrick Kane and his cousin and the fare eventually coming out to $14.80.
But after the taxi driver stated he didn't have change (they gave him $15), the two passengers went berserk, punching him and taking the money back.
Kane's game-winning overtime goal in the 2010 Stanley Cup Finals ended a 49-year drought for the Blackhawks and certainly earned him some forgiveness in Chicago.
14. Dion Rayford Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Image via kuathletics.com
For taco bell fiends, the Chalupa is perhaps the tastiest part of any soon-to-be gaseous meal.
Of course, former Kansas defensive end Dion Rayford was quite disappointed when he found his order lacking in the wee hours of a November, 1999 morning.
Rayford must've forgotten he was 6'3" and weighed 270, because he tried to force his way through the drive through window.
You can bet he got stuck, while the workers locked themselves in a room.
Most of us would've loved to be flies on the wall for that police arrival.
13. Jason Peters Blows the Speakers
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A mainstay on the Eagles offensive line and an annual Pro Bowler from 2007 to 2011, Jason Peters was just yearning for a festive night of tunes.
But when police approached his car because of "loud music and disturbing the peace" and asked the tackle to present his identification, he naturally refused and was arrested for resisting.
It's tough being the life of the party.
12. Pat McAfee Takes a Morning Dip
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Punters rarely garner the spotlight, but when they do they prefer to reek of insanity.
After allegedly taking an early morning swim in an Indianapolis city canal, Colts punter Pat McAfee was stopped by cops.
With a 0.15 percent blood-alcohol level, McAfee became the fourth Colts player in 2010 with alcohol-related charges.
A warming stat indeed.
11. Eddie Griffin Stresses the Truth
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Crashing into a parked car with his SUV while drunkenly attempting to pull in to a convenience store headlined quite the memorable night for former forward Eddie Griffin.
The incident highlighted a sad, tumultuous journey for the seventh-overall pick of the 2001 NBA Draft.
10. Tyler Patrick Thomas Practices His Form
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After allegedly getting tanked, trespassing into a stranger's house and resisting arrest, former Oregon State offensive lineman Tyler Patrick Thomas found himself stun-gunned and done.
But before giving way to the cuffs, Thomas apparently got into three-point stance and charged at the cops who had been called.
Hopefully he enjoyed his final crouch.
9. Mike Vrabel Becomes a Role Model
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Hopefully they tasted phenomenal, because the beer that linebacker Mike Vrabel stole from an Indiana casino last year cost him at least $600 (bail of course).
As an important member of the NFL Players Association, we'd expect better from the former Patriot.
8. Dhani Jones Has Happy Feet
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In one of the more bizarre and humorous arrests of a sportsman, Dhani Jones was caught dancing in the street.
When asked to get out of the road, the former Eagle declined, evidently preferring to be himself (our guess).
It was clearly a magical evening for the bowtied entrepreneur.
7. Willie Jefferson and Josh Gordon Master the Art
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Something about Taco Bell and athletes doesn't quite mix well, and these two former Baylor receivers proved that yet again in 2010.
After being called to the fast-food joint at 2 a.m. on a Sunday, policemen found Willie Jefferson and Josh Gordon asleep in the drive-through lane.
And it's only expected that marijuana was discovered as well.
Way to plan ahead.
6. Cam Newton's Rich Past
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Long before he was a big-shot, gunslinging speedy star for the Carolina Panthers, Cam Newton was at the center of quite the on-campus robbery.
Stealing a laptop from a fellow student during his tenure at Florida was one thing, but tossing it out the window in an attempt to hide the evidence didn't quite work out as planned.
5. Corey McIntyre Handles His Situation
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In one of the more embarrassing incidents on this list, Bills fullback Corey McIntyre was arrested for exposure of sexual organs (on paper).
But in reality, the bruising 250-pounder was allegedly caught masturbating outside of a local woman's house, before being caught on his bicycle and identified by the lady in distress.
The league must've been proud.
4. Randy Moss Forgets to Brake
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He was preparing to make an illegal turn, and seemingly unfazed by the patrol officer who was standing in his way in hopes of stopping him.
That's right, good old Randy Moss bumped the female officer with his SUV in 2002, knocking her down.
The joint in his car didn't help matters much, but it was his unfriendly swipe that caused the biggest fracas.
Classy as always.
3. Randall Simon Gets Hungry
We can smile at the bevy of inappropriate jokes and the "seriousness" of a sausage race, but Randall Simon's beating of this meat is no laughing matter.
A three-game suspension would follow the crushing blow.
We suspect the Chorizo was added in 2006 for extra protection, or flavor.
2. Najeh Davenport Marks His Territory
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Before bruising NFL linebackers, former running back Najeh Davenport earned a reputation for ruining hampers after one stinky situation in 2002.
During his tenure at Miami, Davenport was accused of breaking into a dorm room and defecating into a woman's laundry basket.
When nature calls...
1. Plaxico Burress
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The Cheddar Bob of the NFL (if we haven't beaten that to the ground yet), mercurial receiver Plaxico Burress is perhaps more remembered for his horrible shot than his historic Super Bowl-winning catch for the Giants in 2008.
After accidentally shooting himself in the thigh, Plax watched his promising career veer towards disgraceful.
To add insult to injury, Burress spent almost two years in prison before attempting a gridiron comeback.