Herm Edwards, here pictured messing up the Jets, was recently fired from hisjJob in Kansas City messing up the Chiefs. He was hired today by the Lions.
Lions director of public relations Todd Helfinger said, "Mr. Edwards, or the dentist as we affectionately call him, is the perfect fit for the Lions. How can he mess up a win-less team?"
During his press conference Mr. Edwards said, "If you get on the bus you play to WIN...THE...GAME."
Mr. Edwards took no questions, instead turning the podium over to Todd Helfinger the PR agent of the Lions.
Q: Joe McShay, Detroit Free Press. Mr. Helfinger, how can the team look up at "the dentist?"
TH: Let me explain about the dentist first. You know elf in Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer that didn't want to make toys.
Now to answer your question. How could they look up to, say, Shanahan? He is so much better than 0-16 his visage would be lost in the clouds, so to speak. With the dentist the more mortal of our players can envision going 4-12 for him.
Next question, you there.
McShay looked around at the empty room and figured that meant him.
Q: Um, Joe McShay, Detroit Free Press. It sounds like his past record of tearing down good teams was actually a selling point.
TH: Exactly. From the view point of an 0-16 season, tearing down to a 4-12 record is fabulous.
Next question. You in the back.
Q: Um, I'm the only one here. Can you stop that?
TH: Chuckling softly. OK, Joe you have another question and you want to monopolize me.
Q: Monopolize my royal Irish arse. I'm the only one here you twit.
Back on "the dentist" wouldn't a good coach be better?
TH: Let's be serious for a minute, Joe. Do you know of another team with a director of PR? A great coach will not be coming to tarnish his career with the Lions. We need an interim coach to get Wayne Fontes off of everyone's mind.
Besides, his Lions have to improve over last year's. Enough to restore hope.
We are not looking for the giant leap of the Super Bowl. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a baby step.
Now you in the back.
Joe remains silent.
Audible sigh for Todd Helfinger
Yes, Joe, you have one more?
Q: Isn't it a single step? Didn't Fontes get fired in 1996?
TH: what?
Q: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a SINGLE step."
TH: Did the person who said that first work for the Lions? That was two questions, Joe. Obviously some people don't know how this works and ruin it for everybody. Glaring at Joe McShay No more questions.
This is satire. The quotes are made up. I'll put this on the KC and Jets pages because I don't want to frighten any Lions fans who miss the humor tag (Heck, Lions fans suffered enough).
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