Jux's 50th Bleacher Report Article

I’ve enjoyed having a place to let my thoughts be known over the past year or so, here on Bleacher Report.  I have covered many topics, starting with Dwight Howard’s dad’s baby batter and concluding with my disgust at the Reds for losing to the Pittsburgh Pirates in my most recent article. 

I think the only thing to do in this situation is to just pour out 50 random thoughts, in no particular order, about the teams and players that I (and most of my friends and family) love or hate. 

My brain usually works best when firing out comments without thinking first—of course this can also cause girls to withhold “fun time” from me or even slap me in the face…or cause drunk people to want to knock my face off my face.  But, that’s the breaks.

There’s nothing left to do but to get started.  “Paging Jux’s brain, time to get to work…”

•    50) Did trading for Ken Griffey Jr. summon a curse on the Cincinnati Reds?  From 1970-1990, Cincinnati went to five World Series, winning three.  Cincy was in the NLCS in ’95 and then won 96 games in 1999.  Then, the trade for Griffey.  And then, NINE straight losing seasons.  Coincidence? 

•    49) Does anyone still watch the Cincinnati Bengals that doesn’t have a gun to their head?

•    48) Some fans have been frustrated and impatient with the current season for Cincinnati Bearcats basketball at times.  Just remember: At least we don’t have to watch Adam Hrycianuk miss wide-open one-footers without even hitting the rim anymore!  Good lord that was painful.

•    47) Dear Reds managers: Why the motherf*** do you continue to pitch to Milwaukee’s Bill Hall?  Can’t you understand that this guy was born with the ability to crush home runs off of Reds pitching and hit about .156 against everyone else?  Can you not read stats?  Bean Bill Hall in the pie-hole already.  Or at least “move to Mexico until all this Bill business blows over.”

•    46) You know what really makes me want to put my head through a car window?  Every team in Cincinnati is in Wait Till Next Year Mode, except for Xavier basketball.  That would happen.  So obvious.  And dumb.

•    45) I must admit that I have been taking more than a mild amount of pleasure in the Cubs’ misery lately.  They win a lot of games in the regular season, and then get straight iced in the playoffs.  That’s what Cubs fans get for coming to Cincinnati, getting drunk, and talkin’ trash about the Cubs’ half-game wildcard lead on April 25th.  “Have another one you f*****’ lush.”

•    44) The career of Ohio State RB Beanie Wells offered some incredible highlights, but left a lot to be desired.  Due to injuries, it seems like it was over before it really started.  But at least we can remember this:  vs. Michigan, Beanie rushed for over 400 yards and scored four touchdowns in three OSU wins. 

•    43) You may already know that Lebron James is 6’9”.  But did you know he weighs 274 pounds?!  I’ve come to the conclusion that this dude is not a human being.  He is a perfectly programmed robot that can dunk from the free throw line. 

•    42) Will somebody please remind Cincinnati freshman Yancy Gates that he is a 6’9” 265-pound monster?  Gates is averaging less than two free throw attempts per game.  If that doesn’t spell “soft” then I don’t know what does.

•    41) We need to get a S.W.A.T. team together and order it to take out Stuart Scott, Vern Lundquist, Mike Patrick, George Grande, Chris Welsh, Ed Hightower, Mark May, Joe Buck, Tim McCarver, Chip Caray, and Jay Williams.  Tired-a them. 

•    40) Memo to National League pitchers: Don’t throw Reds 2B Brandon Phillips a fastball unless you want to snap your neck from turning around so quick to see the baseball leave the stadium on the rise.

•    39) Brandon Phillips trots around the bases like a motherf*****’ pimp with some gangsta lean to it when he goes yard. 

•    38) Freshman guard Dion Dixon has been a “Lil ass Gee” so far for the Bearcats.  On January 22, his exclamation-point right-handed leaner posterized a helpless St. John’s defender and caused me to lose my f*****’ mind!

•    37) How ‘bout the job Brian Kelly has been doing with UC Bearcats football?  He just pimped the entire Big East with his third-string quarterback and a white running back!

•    36) A guy I wish had more eligibility is Ohio State CB Malcolm Jenkins.  From the first game he stepped onto the field his freshman year until the heartbreak loss to Texas in this past Fiesta Bowl, Malcolm locked up receivers, pimpedly ran back interceptions for touchdowns, laid lumber, and talked major sh*t after tackles.  Gonna miss that knack.

•    35) The NCAA needs to pack up their antics and ship these antics out.  We don’t want to watch college basketball when the refs routinely call hand-check fouls, off-the-ball fouls, and illegal screens the entire game.  Rarely can we watch two straight possessions without a foul called.  Get the f*** outta here with this.

•    34) Everyone makes a big deal out of ESPN/ABC sideline reporter Erin Andrews.  But what about Holly Rowe?  I like what she brings to the table with all that extra thickness.  That’s my girl right there.

•    33) Dwight Howard continues to commit aggravated assault on rims and backboards. 

•    32) Most overrated player in America right now: Ty Lawson, UNC.  He’s not good.  At all.  I can think of a hundred point guards I’d rather have.  A thousand.  A million!

•    31) Anybody who spends more than one millisecond reading about, talking about, or thinking about the upcoming Bengals draft needs to be sent directly to an insane asylum and then punched in the face and skull 652 times in a row. 


Stay tuned for the conclusion of this article, Thoughts No. 30 down to No. 1.  Thanks for reading.

You're currently logged into Facebook

Do you want to share your Bleacher Report activity on Facebook?