This story is for the die-hard Chelsea fan who is eating a piece of Chelsea cake with Chelsea cutlery while wearing Chelsea underwear and watching his dog dressed in a Chelsea shirt drinking water out of his little Chelsea dog dish.
Well, that may be a little bit extreme, but in this mad, mad, mad world in which we live, it can be done. And I intend to show you how.
Here are the 30 strangest pieces of Blues merchandise (not including the Chelsea synthetic grass pictured above, a product made by Sign Grass) I have found for sale on the Internet in order of their strangeness. And this isn’t The Twilight Zone brother, these products are all out there in cyberspace.
So you know you’re looking at a true Blues fan, a Chelsea logo mirror is the perfect gift for your favorite Manchester United fan (heavy EPL rivalry sarcasm intended).
And if you should accidentally break it, Chelsea won’t make the UEFA Champions League for the seventh straight year and Fernando Torres won’t score another English Premier League goal for another 1,035 minutes.
Not the wallpaper for your computer but the wallpaper for your wall, for £5.24 you can cover your walls with the colors and logo of your favorite west London team.
Lose a $50 bet on Chelsea vs. Liverpool? Irritated your Blues aren’t on television this weekend? Or angry that Roman Abramovich and management just decided to loan John Terry out to Fulham?
Then buy yourself a Chelsea stress ball or two and squeeze your bleeding blues away. And it’s much cheaper than drugs and alcohol.
Does your breath, or someone else’s smell like the inside of a soccer shoe?
Then order a tin or two of Chelsea tinned mints (£1.49) and watch that funky stank slowly turn into the heavenly aroma of mint.
For £6.99, you can get two baby bibs and watch Junior drool his creamed spinach down the front of his new baby bib. And after he vomits all over it, you can rest assured that you still have a brand new backup to put on the youngest Blues fan in your home.
Temporary Chelsea tattoos let you show your passion for your team without having to go to the tattoo parlor and get a permanent piece on your body that you may regret should the Blues ever get relegated from the EPL.
Simmer down. I’m just kidding. The odds of Chelsea ever getting relegated are the same as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series or Kim Kardashian dating a barista at Starbucks.
A foreign concept to us Americans, Christmas crackers are big in the United Kingdom, and for £12.99 you can get a package of six crackers.
Included in each cracker packet are party hats and a trivia note while individual trinkets found inside are either yo-yos, whistles, key rings, compasses or puzzles.
Another perfect Christmas gift for your favorite Blues backer, this 4” Chelsea snow globe and really isn’t that strange until you think it’s has everything to do with a soccer team and nothing to do with old Saint Nick.
And can you imagine Petr Cech in that helmet-thing coming down your chimney with a bag of presents on December 24th?
The perfect gift for the Blues fan in your life in desperate need of some portable furniture.
Air not included.
You can order yourself a Blues-themed cake for that special occasion.
So it’s absolutely true. You can have your (Chelsea) cake and eat it too. (I’m sorry. That was bad.)
You can clean now your plates with a new-found Chelsea pride with this funky-looking mascot sponge ($8.99).
Want your dog or cat or pet pig to drink his or her water from a Blues bowl?
Remember deep down inside though, that your pet has no idea what soccer is and would more likely be a fan of the Wolverhampton Wolves or Aston Villa.
These mini boxing gloves ($5.99) can hang on your car's rear-view mirror.
Now what boxing gloves have to do with soccer I’m not quite sure but this is certainly a strange product.
For a mere $1.99 you can order yourself a five-pack of disposable razors and shave your face with Chelsea pride before every match.
The perfect gift from the wife to let her husband know she understands that he’s truly lost his mind and probably ranks the Blues No. 1 and their relationship No. 2...
This product goes for $7.99, which will warm the heart of your favorite Blues fan when he’s scraping ice and snow off the windshield of his Toyota on a cold winter’s day.
For the kid that has everything, this skin for an xBox controller can be had for $11.99.
Now why an xBox controller even needs a “skin” in the first place is another thing, and something this 51-year-old Baby Boomer is in an impossible position to answer.
This is the only product on the list I actually own and proof my blood is pretty Blue for an American living in Las Vegas.
At $3.99, this is an affordable item that will remind the driver of his loyalties every time he gets behind the wheel.
Make sure your son (sizes for ages 5-12) shows his support for his favorite club with Chelsea underwear ($19.77).
This is where the list starts really getting weird.
You can get an item you’ll be sure to see and use at least once a day, a Chelsea toilet paper holder, selling for $11.79.
And no Chelsea toilet paper holder would be complete without...
Chelsea toilet paper!
Available for £3.99, what better way to show your love for the Blues than wiping your...wait a minute, shouldn’t a Chelsea fan be buying the Tottenham or Arsenal or Manchester United toilet paper if they really love their club?
I guess it’s all subjective.
While soaking your blues away in a nice, hot bubble bath, you can enjoy the company of a little blue duck ($6.99).
A steal at $2.37 (the shipping may be more than the product), die-hard Chelsea fans can order a blank key with the image of El Nino on it.
And if you are a big Torres fan or collector, best act soon as God—or Roman Abramovich—only knows if the highly paid striker will be back at Stamford Bridge next season.
Your kids can take their sandwiches, chips and apples to school in this funky uniform-shaped Chelsea jersey lunchbox ($17.99).
The lunchbox (9" tall x 4" wide) also comes with a little jersey-shaped water bottle.
Does your dog even know he’s a Blues backer? One way to get him or her on board is to buy this silly looking Blues shirt ($9.99).
For the finicky owner, other sites have pink shirts for the girl dog that just doesn’t want to be seen walking the neighborhood in blue.
Seriously? Now it’s really getting really strange up in here.
For $34.99, you can buy your girl a Blues bikini, the sure piece of wardrobe to fend off any Fulham or QPR fans who may flirting with your sweetie.
Because they haven’t made a Chelsea car yet, the next best mode of transportation to show off your fanaticism is the Chelsea scooter ($44.99).
And this baby gets unbelievable gas mileage...
This buddy for your begonias is made of weather-resistant resin and will prove to your neighbors that you lost your soccer mind years ago.'
Its cost? $24.47.
As seen on Match of the Day, this bad boy not only sports Chelsea’s logo and team colors, but also leaves the toast with a nice little “CFC” logo.
Manufactured by ElectroLux, this two-slice toaster can be bought for £24.95 and takes the cake as my strangest piece of Chelsea retail merchandise.
So there you have it. The strangest of the strange Chelsea items you can order on the Internet.
If you are interested in buying any of these items, please remember to shop around as these 30 items and their links to merchants aren’t necessarily the best-priced ones on the Internet.
Rumors of a Chelsea condom are out there but I could not find enough evidence to include that product—which would have topped this list—but a couple somewhat “normal” items like a Chelsea cutlery set and an auto cigarette case came very, very close.
So with Christmas just a mere 227 days away now, it’s not too early to get that crazy Chelsea fan in your life that garden gnome they’ve been dreaming about for years.
Follow me on Twitter @KevinStott11
If you’re a die-hard Chelsea fan, you may be interested in reading "My 10 Favorite Famous Fans of Chelsea" and "Chelsea FC: 5 Bold Predictions for the Remainder of Chelsea’s Season", both written last month exclusively for Bleacher Report.