10 Most Useless Pro Wrestling Moves in a Real Fight

Luis Campos@luchalibrelife Analyst IJune 15, 2012

10 Most Useless Pro Wrestling Moves in a Real Fight

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    Imagine this scenario, you are at a bar enjoying an nice frosty Sarsaparilla with your buddies when suddenly a stranger gives you a funny look.

    He makes his way across the bar, sees your "Arrive. Raise Hell. Leave" t-shirt, and tells you that wrestling is fake and lame. Adding insult to injury he claims the only good talent in the WWE is the Great Khali and that Chris Jericho is dumb because he is from Toronto!

    Angered, you want to show this punk a lesson, but unfortunately the only fighting moves you know are WWE finishing moves. But this doesn't matter to you! You take the sock you keep tucked-in your sweat pants and proceed to give him a mandible claw... only to end up in the E.R. 

    What went wrong?

    You used a  useless pro-wrestling move in real-life, that's what. 

The Mandible Claw

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    The question here is not why do you keep a sock stuffed in your pants (although this should really be addressed at some point), but how does sticking it in someone's face cause them to pass out? 

    And what about their teeth? Having your fingers in someone's mouth doesn't really seem like the best idea even if your hand is protected by a nasty sock. 

    If you are ever in a street fight and you are presented with the opportunity to use the sock you constantly keep in your pants use it to wipe up your tears, because it probably won't have any other good use. 


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    So maybe you don't carry a sock in your pants, and instead you lug around a huge butt. Perfect! 

    Remember that time when your ex-girlfriend said sitting on the couch all day was not very productive? Little did she know that one day all that sitting would come to use! 

    Actually, no she was right. I understand that sitting on someone who weighs less than you is a legitimate way to keep them down, but I don't understand how rubbing your butt cheeks in their face is a good offensive move. 

    I guess the point of the Stickface is that your butt smells so bad that your opponent will pass out, but if you really smell that bad I doubt anyone is going to want to fight you. Plus the only people who use this move have visibly exposed butt cheeks at all time, and while that's not such a bad thing if you are Kelly Kelly, you really shouldn't leave your cheeks flying outside if you are more on the Rikishi side of things. 

The Worm

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    Scottie 2 Hottie's move the Worm was as cool as it was stupid.

    Not only did it take forever to do, but it required spelling skills (even if minimal), crowd involvement, and the ability to do a lame (though pretty tough) dance move. 

The People's Elbow

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    Like the Worm, the People's Elbow is one of those moves that takes way to long to do. Sure it probably hurts to drop your elbow on a person, but by the time you are done with the theatrics they are sure to be gone. 

Scissors Kick

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    The Scissors Kick is one of those moves that looks cool, but on further inspection is actually pretty lame. Having your opponent bent over waiting for you makes it impossible to do in a real fight (I've tried). 

Broski Boot

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    I know for a fact that getting kicked in the face hurts, but if I ever saw someone breakdown into a woo woo woo before doing so most of my pain would be from the laughing I would be doing. 

Rough Ryder

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    It's no doubt Zack Ryder doesn't get taken seriously in the WWE. As if his Broski Boot wasn't ridiculous enough, Ryder's finisher the Rough Ryder is one of those moves that hurts your opponent, but like other moves in this list the theatrics behind it ruin any chance of it being a viable move. 

The Cobra

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    Borrowing a tip from the WCW's infamous "finger poke of doom" Santino Marella's Cobra is a simple jab to your opponent's chest. I'm sure it hurts, but again if you have the chance to get this close to an opponent poking him may not be the best way to kick butt. 

The Five Knuckle Shuffle

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    Add the theatrics of the Worm and the People's Elbow with the weakness of the Cobra and what do you get? 

    John Cena's Five Knuckle shuffle may just be the worst wrestling move to use in a real fight, if the following move didn't exist. 

Egyptian Hypnosis

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    The worst wrestling move to use in a real fight has not (as of yet) been seen on WWE TV, but I am almost sure the WWE's creative team would love to get their hands on it. 

    Egyptian Hypnosis, is the finishing move of the CZW tag-team the Osirian Portal. 

    As the name implies the move involves hypnotizing once's opponents—a move that may actually be pretty useful if hypnosis was actually possible. Unfortunately for any emulators of this move, Egyptian Hypnosis seems to only be able to hypnotize your opponents into dancing. 


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