MLB 2012: 6 Faces Only a Mother Could Love
Hunter Pence will see you in your nightmares.
Gone are the days of Delino DeShields and Willie McGee—times when alien-like orbital bones and super-greased up Jheri curls entertained wandering-eyed baseball aficionados for years. Fortunately for MLB fans, there's an entirely new generation of players who are currently searing their faces into the minds of the nation's youngsters far and wide.
Whether it be an abnormally enlarged forehead here, or an ill-advised haircut there, I present to you the six faces of Major League Baseball that only a mother could love.
Jamie Carroll, Minnesota Twins
For those worried that baseball lacked its share of large foreheaded, bug-eyed middle infielders, I give you Jamie Carroll. The 11-year veteran has had stops in Montreal, Washington, Colorado, Cleveland, Los Angeles and now Minnesota. That whirlwind tour of six major-league cities left those fans checking their VHS copies of They Live (starring the one-and-only Rowdy Roddy Piper) for a Carroll cameo.
Vicente Padilla, Boston Red Sox
Ladies love VP.
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If you Google image-search Padilla's name, a picture of Nien Nunb from Star Wars pops up. Enough said. Not content with his already near male-model status around the game, Padilla has stepped it up in Boston with a long, flowing mane for 2012. Keep up the good work Vicente.
Hunter Pence, Philadelphia Phillies
Hunter Pence knows where you live.
Equal parts goofy and creepy, one can't really get a feel for just how weird this fellow is unless you see him in action. Every time I catch a glimpse of the Philadelphia right fielder, my mind conjures up this image of the Joker.
In addition, Jeff Sullivan of SBNation, frequently quips that Mr. Pence is not of this world, a sentiment I wholeheartedly agree with.
Colby Rasmus, Toronto Blue Jays
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Maybe it's the hair. Maybe it's his ethereal glow. Maybe it's those dead, serial-killer eyes. But Colby Rasmus looks downright regal in all his sweaty glory here. Perhaps his .246 batting average had nothing to do with why the Cardinals shipped him out of town.
It's possible John Mozeliak just couldn't justify having Rasmus around his kids anymore.
Bartolo Colon, Oakland Athletics
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Okay, okay. So maybe it's not fair to pick on the overweight guy here. But have you seen his neck? The words "rubber-tire beard" come to mind. It appears that George Steinbrenner dropped his "fat toad" comment on the wrong player, and a decade too early at that.
Kenny Powers would be proud.
Jack Wilson, Atlanta Braves
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Wilson, the consummate professional, has been inflicting pain on fans for years with his sunken, nightmare inducing eyes. It appears as if Mr. Wilson has taken a jaunt through a dystopian dreamscape with Alex DeLarge and his fellow droogs. He has now returned to reprogram us all with his soul-sucking stare. Beware, Atlanta.