Welcome to the final Raw before WrestleMania 28.
It's time to hype the biggest show of the year and make one final push to convince people to buy the PPV to see Rock-Cena and HHH-Undertaker.
Wait a minute...
What about the WWE title match between CM Punk and Chris Jericho? How about the World Heavyweight title match with Daniel Bryan taking on Royal Rumble winner Sheamus? Does anyone even care about the world titles anymore?
Anyways, let's take a semi-serious, cynical view of the WWE's last Monday night show before the "granddaddy of them all."
Usually, Wrestling Booking 101 states that the champion should look vulnerable heading into a major PPV so that fans believe they are paying to see a title change.
The problem is that no one actually cares about the World Heavyweight title because WWE clearly treats it like a B-level title (essentially taking over for the even more useless Intercontinental title).
Since even the WWE creative team realizes that the title is almost meaningless, last night's booking had Bryan pinning Sheamus in the ring to convince the fans that there is no chance (no sir) that Sheamus is going to win the "world" title.
Common sense seems to state that Sheamus is going to wipe the floor with Bryan at WrestleMania, which is a shame because Bryan's heel character is actually entertaining, which is more than you can say about 90 percent of the roster at this point.
This "battle of the captains" match had everyone jumping out of their seats...to go buy nachos.
Seriously, what is the point of this feud between Johnny Ace and Teddy Long? Is it a battle to decide who is more out of touch with wrestling in 2012?
Let's look at the list of talent who is in this match:
David Otunga - jobber
Santino Marella - glorified jobber with a belt that hasn't meant anything since the early 1990s
The Miz - backstage heat magnet
Hornswoggle - useless waste of roster money
Teddy Long - a novelty act that has outstayed his welcome by about five years
Johnny Ace - a sometimes-entertaining heel character that Vince McMahon finds way too funny
Anyways, this match finished with Santino hitting the worst finishing move ever, the Cobra, and pinning Mr. Jennifer Hudson for the pin. Some general shenanigans ensued and Miz ended up crashing Marella's party with a Skull Crushing Finale.
Miz was named as a member of Team Johnny for the elimination match at WrestleMania, which I'm sure will be a 5-star classic along the lines of Savage-Steamboat and HBK-Undertaker.
I mean, come on, it's got David Otunga.
I absolutely could not care any less about the "match" this Sunday between Eve, Beth Phoenix, Kelly Kelly and Maria Menuous.
Seriously, WrestleMania used to have celebrities like Liberace, Mike Tyson and Burt Reynolds. Is wrestling seriously so irrelevant right now that their big celebrity acquisition is some entertainment news anchor that 80 percent of the audience has never seen before?
Anyways, this match sucked, of course, because Kelly is absolutely useless in the ring and Eve has about as much talent in her entire body as Trish Stratus had in her little finger.
Kelly pinned Eve in the ring clean, so maybe we'll get lucky and they'll cancel the match on Sunday in favor of a lingerie competition or something.
Before Punk and Christian can get started, Chris Jericho interrupts yet again and and declares CM Punk to be born out of wedlock and therefore the legal definition of a bastard.
Chris Jericho is going to die.
Christian makes the mistake of attacking from behind and Punk destroys him outside the ring, kayfabe injuring his arm and removing Captain Charisma from Team Johnny.
Seriously though, this storyline has been pretty good, but the whole "your dad is a drunk and your sister is a junkie" thing kind of seemed tacked on at the end. Personally, I thought the whole "I'm the best wrestler in the world and I'm going to prove it" angle was good enough for this match.
However, public sentiment seems to be that the Punk-Jericho match is going to steal the show this Sunday, but it's going to have an uphill climb against Cena-Rock and HHH-Taker.
Curt Hawkins is still alive?
Seriously though, how long are they going to have Brodus win two-minute squash matches? Did I turn on an episode of All American Wrestling from 1991 and not realize it?
This was the very definition of a time-filler because Brodus has absolutely no storyline to follow and anyone with half of a brain knows that beating Curt Hawkins means nothing to someone's career.
Sure, the Funkasaurus thing was entertaining for about 10 minutes, but are they ever going to move him into an actual feud?
Nothing like treating one-half of your "undisputed" tag team champions like a total and complete jobber heading into WrestleMania, right?
Can you imagine a wrestling promotion having someone squash one of the Road Warriors in the 1980s or Davey Boy Smith in the '90s? The creative teams pulls something stupid like this and then has the balls to wonder why no one cares about the tag team titles anymore.
Anyways, Big Show treats Primo like the joke that he is and gets the pin about 30 seconds after Rosa Mendes (WWE's appointed "star" of the champion team) does her part and shakes her butt on the apron.
Cody Rhodes appears after the match and once again promises to embarrass Big Show at WrestleMania and keep the Intercontinental title. Seriously, has Cody even defended the belt since he won it? Why should I care in the first place?
Good God, what did I do to deserve this?
Matching the Great Khali and Mark Henry is like seeing who wins a race between a iceberg and your 450-pound mother...it's simply not entertaining.
Henry essentially squashed Khali before threatening to do the same to Teddy Long, who was at ringside with the Punjabi jobber.
This, of course, triggered a huge brawl between Team Johnny and Team Teddy with Johnny Ace's team destroying the babyfaces until Booker T left his commentary position and saved everyone with an Ax Kick to Mark Henry.
Honestly, could Team Teddy be anymore of a parade of curtain-jerkers? Santino, Kofi Kingston, Great Khali, R-Truth and Booker T, wrestling commentator. There's no way they could book these guys to go over the strong heels on the other side, is there? Is there?!?!
The Rock hits the ring first and does his little comedy routine to warm up the crowd (Betty White, Rocky? Really?) before Cena has to ruin things by actually showing up and speaking.
Cena puts over the split crowd and promises that's what we will hear on Sunday in Rocky's hometown of Miami. He let's the Rock know that the reason people hate him is that he wins. Apparently, Cena wins by "rising above hate" and doing his job the best.
Well, he also wins by having the creative team turn him into Superman 2012 with the ability to never lose a match unless the 101st Airborne runs in, there's a crooked referee, Cena's Pepsi was flat before the match and he's hit with 19 different weapons...but there's also rising above hate.
Anyways, Cena actually has a really good promo here as he mentions his WWE career is actually longer than the Rock's because Dwayne left to make movies. He tells the Rock that no one remembers second place and that's exactly why he's going to guarantee that he is going to win on Sunday.
Great promo to close the show and seriously, if Rocky vs. Cena doesn't entice you to buy the PPV, I don't know what will. Trust your author on this one: This match is going to be awesome.