Chael Sonnen: Power Ranking 30 of His Funniest Tweets
In the realm of MMA trash talking, Chael. P Sonnen reigns supreme—from the microphone check one-two diatribes to the ever-growing social media of Twitter.
His gift of the gab and penchant for the vocally outrageous has seen him rise from the depths of MMA obscurity to a fighter come entertainer who is both celebrated and scorned in equal measure.
What Sonnen lacks in his mixed martial arts skill set, he more than makes up for it with his oral eloquence and consummate rhetoric.
An unashamed self-promoter, the Oregon native is the closest and maybe only thing MMA has to professional wrestling dramatics, and he’s milking it for all it’s worth.
Power ranking some of his funniest tweets and a little added humor, I give you “The American Gangster.”
NB This article is meant to be tongue-in-cheek—a celebration of Sonnen's oral excellence—no more and nothing less.
30. Gangster's Paradise
Walk away Andy. It's not worth it. Don't let the brass pressure you. You aren't that good, and I'm not that nice.
Word hit the street that UFC middleweight kingpin Anderson Silva was reluctant to give Chael Sonnen another run at the title due his constant insolence, leaving the Oregon native little choice than to go all Boyz n the Hood on the Brazilian.
This is what Sonnen really meant when he sent that tweet.
Walk away Andy: You gotta do what’s right.
It’s not worth it: There are many holes in the Nevada desert.
Don’t let the brass pressure you: You’re not a made man and as a result, they can’t save you.
You aren’t that good: You’re a cafone and a fugazi.
I’m not that nice: Remember the characters Tommy and Nicky from the Gangster flicks Goodfellas and Casino, well I’m 10 times worse.
29. Cause Sonnen Said So
Why? Cause Stone Cold said so.
Uncle Chael has been masquerading as an MMA fighter all this time when in fact he’s a bona fide professional wrestling caricature—“If you smell what...”
28. WWE Style Banter
27. Cutlery and Trash Talk
I will be sending you a knife, fork, dinner-plate, and napkin. Please eat those words, and let me know how they taste, Stupid.
Sonnen sent this tweet, after Anderson Silva claimed that he wouldn’t be taken down in their highly anticipated rematch.
The chances of that happening are between slim and none, and slim will not be present in Brazil come fight night. However, the odds are Silva will be slapping on a triangle submission of sorts to end proceedings.
26. Anderson Silva Sings the Burger King
When I want your advice I'll beat it out of you, Stupid. Now go back to singing to hamburgers and telling Segal he's legit.
Anderson Silva suggested that Sonnen should train and put the talking to one side, and yet he still continues with his rants.
That said, Sonnen shouldn’t be envious that Silva endorses Burger King or sings in their commercials (more money) and has Steven Seagal (more success in the Octagon) in his corner.
Also, he needs to get off Seagal’s back—the man is as legit as they come...and then hell froze over.
25. Brock Lesnar Defeats Alistair Overeem
Brock was getting ready to leap all over that big bum. He was loading himself on the floor, like a coiled spring, and they stopped it...
That was Sonnen’s take on the UFC 141 event where Alistair Overeem did a demolition job on Brock Lesnar.
When Sonnen said “Lesnar was loading himself on the floor, like a coiled spring,” he actually meant Lesnar was all turtled up.
Chael went one better, tweeting: Brock was robbed!!!
Something he’s more than familiar with, after Anderson Silva blatantly robbed him of the UFC 185-pound gold.
In what parallel universe can you punch a man 300 times, he wraps his legs around your head for eight seconds and they declare him the winner? On the streets of West Linn, Oregon, if you lay on your back with your legs wrapped around a man’s head for eight seconds, that does not make you a winner. That makes…not a winner.
24. FedEx vs. Royal Mail: Who Gets “The Count’s” Signature?
It's for the best. After I got through with Bisping the only person that would ask for his signature is FedEx.
Sonnen is wrong, as Michael Bisping is an indigenous Briton—Royal Mail has that honor.
23. Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva
@bigfootsilva, I want to tell you a joke so funny it will make your head grow. It goes like this..Oh wait, I see you have already heard it.
What was it Sonnen’s fellow Republican Joe Wilson shouted out to President Barack Obama? That’s it, “You Lie.”
Well if he thinks his jokes can precipitate the growth of Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva’s head (huge though it may be), then he’s no better than Pinocchio.
22. Lynx Effect
Axe Murderer, my Ass. I'm more intimidated by Axe Body Spay.
One whiff of the Lynx Effect and Wanderlei Silva will cease to wield his murderous axe while Chael Sonnen won’t be intimidated by Axe Body Spray.
21. Translation App
Anderson just fired Ed Soares and replaced him with a Translation App he got on his phone for $14.95.
What Sonnen was trying to put across, is that Anderson Silva had become tired of his manager Ed Soares being the voice of reason...I mean his mouthpiece and English translator, and all for the price of $14.95.
Watch yourself Antonio. You think I give a dam that you are a HWT? I've pushed people your size out of the way looking for somebody to fight.
“The bigger they are the harder they fall,” a phrased coin by miniature welterweight great Joe “Barbados” Walcott. However, Walcott, Sonnen is not, so he better watch himself too or get stomped by the “Bigfoot.”
19. Lyoto Machida: Is He Really Hiding from Sonnen?
I ask Brazil for a fight, and Machida answers.I ask for a REAL fight, and a Marine steps up.I see you hiding Lyoto, and I won't forget this.
Sonnen should be careful what he wishes for—Brazil has already given him several of its countrymen—Renato Sobral (triangle choke), Paulo Filho (armbar) and Demian Maia (triangle choke).
The last Brazilian he fought ended with him tapping out to a triangle armbar. However, UFC glory beckons once again, only this time Anderson Silva will be hellbent on setting the record straight.
Food for thought: What has Lyoto accomplished that Sonnen hasn’t?
18. Anderson Silva, Forrest Griffin, Strippers and...Triangles
He hasn't put up a fight since Forrest Griffin, which is about as notable as getting your hand held by a stripper. NEXT.
Now that’s the great thing about Sonnen—he tells it like it is. The only problem being when he put up a fight against Anderson Silva and Griffin, he lost to both via submission—triangle armbar and triangle choke.
What is it with Sonnen and triangles? Hanging around too many strippers I guess.
17. Is Georges St. Pierre Boring?
I watch hockey and rugby. Anything that has a remote chance of breaking out into a fight. Which is exactly why I stopped watching George.
Was Uncle Chael insinuating that Georges St. Pierre’s fights were boring?
One thing the Oregon native has failed to grasp is that St. Pierre has been the UFC welterweight champion for nigh on four years and to boot has defended the title on six separate occasions.
And Sonnen has...“Now then, about that meal...”
16. Sonnen Has Paid His Dues, But Steven Seagal Hasn’t
I still admire Steven Seagal. Anyone that can be that self-possessed without doing a damn thing to earn it, knows something that I don't.
Steven Seagal knows everything Sonnen knows—that the best way and probably only way to further one’s celebrity is to believe that one has accomplished more than one already has, and in the case of the above mentioned, it's not that much—Seagal’s movies go straight to DVD and Sonnen...well, blew his chance at UFC gold and professes to be the champ.
Oh wait! There’s a rematch in the offing with Anderson Silva, one which Sonnen earned by...
15. Cupid Draw Back Your Bow and...
Machida is a gentleman. MMA is very cutthroat, and it's sweet that Lyoto promised to never fight his girlfriend Anderson. That's devotion.
That’s how they do things in the Black House outfit—they don’t throwdown with each other. Anderson Silva, Lyoto Machida, Antonio “Minotauro” Nogueira, Antonio “Minotouro” Nogueira and Diego Nunes are just a few of the gym's residents.
Talk about devotion, didn’t Dan Henderson say he’d never fight Chael Sonnen?
14. Gangsters, Math Teachers and Whiskey
A.S. Your run is T- 70 days. I'm not a math teacher from Ohio, I'm a gangster from Oregon. Talk is cheap, it takes money to buy whiskey.
Prior to his UFC 117 matchup, Chael wanted to make sure that “The Spider” knew what he was up against.
Sonnen would have us believe that a math teacher from Ohio ain’t got nothing on a self-proclaimed “American Gangster” from Oregon.
He was almost right, and then his title aspirations went up in smoke, that and the gangster tag.
In essence, Sonnen proved two things—talk is really cheap and he’s just an ex-realtor from Oregon akin to Ohio’s Rich Franklin, both who got owned by the Brazilian phenom.
13. Black House Posse
I'd beat up Machida on the way to the ring to beat up Anderson, and I'll kick Nogeria's ass in the parking lot on the way to my after party.
Sonnen’s Brazilian Mission: Search and Destroy, is bound to fail miserably—he won’t beat up Lyoto Machida on the way to the Octagon for his rematch with “The Spider,” and the latter will make sure there’s no parking lot tussle with the Nogueira brothers either, but more importantly, no after-party celebrations.
12. The End of a Horse's Career
If your career was a horse, they'd take it behind the barn and shoot it
The assumption is this tweet was aimed at Wanderlei Silva (34-11-1 MMA), and if that was the case, then truer words were never spoken—Silva take note.
That said, the next horse set for the knackers yard has a record which reads: 27-11-1 MMA which almost mirror’s the “Axe Murderer’s” résumé, save for the fact he’s seven more wins in his column.
11. Anderson Silva the Porn Star
And you know what? Sonnen was right. At UFC 117, he had Anderson Silva on his back for almost the entirety of the championship bout, akin to a porn star with a mortgage. However, Silva wasn’t the one who paid for services rendered.
10. Chinese Takeaway
Mirko, ol' buddy! Strong words from someone who's been carried out more often than Chinese food!
Mirko Filipovic stated Sonnen was a stupid child and barked like a dog, and he countered with the above tweet.
More’s the pity that “Cro Cop” is retired from the sport, if these two had ever fought, the chances are that the first dish carried out the door would have Sonnen’s name on it.
9. Lisa Rinna and Wanderlei Silva are Lookalikes
More guys have worked on your face than it took to build the Pyramids. You look like Lisa Rinna w/a Leprechaun beard, you fool.
For this tweet I’ll use the Great Pyramid of Giza, Egypt—it took over 100,000 men to build it over a 20-year period. Now that’s nowhere close to Chael’s estimation, but it’ll have to do.
Mentioning Wanderlei Silva’s facial features in the same breath as the Egyptian Pyramids is one thing, but to compare his visage with fellow Oregonian Lisa Rinna (with a Leprechaun beard), is way below the belt, and I’m not talking Silva here.
8. Wanderlei Silva, Kazushi Sakuraba and Sushi
You are a walking punchline. Go fight what's left of Sakuraba in an alley behind a sushi place in Tokyo for 10 Yen apiece.
If Wanderlei Silva is a walking punch line, then Sonnen is all talk and no trousers. There mightn’t be a lot left of Kazushi “The Gracie Hunter” Sakuraba, however, in his prime, he’d had used Sonnen for submission practise—easy, like eating sushi.
7. Jail Talk
Take your comebacks, write them down on a sheet of paper. Roll it up tight, soak it in water, freeze it overnight, then jam it up your ass.
Hey Sonnen! That’s not how they do it in lock up man! No need for soaking water or fridge freezing the kite—as you said, just roll it up tight and jam it up your ass, and it’s a guarantee the güila will reach its destination somewhere in West Linn, Oregon.
6. Mirko Filipović: An Afterthought
Cro Cop is a relic, a reminder from the old days. A museum of ancient victories isn't worth a nickel today, not even in his native currency.
Mirko Filipović’s time as an MMA force has well a truly dissipated into thin air, still, he has one less loss on his record in comparison to the ex-realtor, and that’s worth a whole lot of Kuna’s.
5. Chael Sonnen: UFC Middleweight Champion
Sonnen was back to his inimitable best following the end of his suspension for testing positive to high levels of TRT, prior to his unsuccessful tilt at Anderson Silva’s middleweight crown.
That said, the tenacity and temerity of Sonnen knows no bounds—he deserves a medal for his rhetoric. Hell! He deserves the UFC middleweight title...but he’s already got that.
However, he can now defend the belt in Brazil...mind the gaps though, sorry, I meant triangles.
4. Who Has Michael Bisping Beaten?
Bisping, you make good points about deserving a title shot.After all you did beat, umm, well ahh...Hum and then there was.. Ah..Wait, what!?
Funny how one fight can change a man’s perspective, in this case Sonnen’s. Following his hard-fought battle with Michael Bisping at UFC on FOX 2 (a title eliminator bout), the Oregon native has somewhat changed his tune regarding “The Counts” credentials for earning a title shot.
He now thinks Bisping has a decent chance of defeating Anderson Silva..Ah..Wait, What!?
3. Tammy Faye Bakker
You killed who? I was taking it easy on you. Ya looked like Tammy Faye Baker. I went easy so that new face of yours wouldn't fall off.
Sonnen’s tweet was in response to Wanderlei Silva’s claim he’d killed him during a sparring session at Xtreme Couture.
Still, that’s no way to talk about dead or the living—R.I.P to Bakker.
2. Sonnen and That Meal
I accept Anderson. Brazil it is. Now then, about that meal...
Sonnen had been goading Anderson Silva into a rematch ever since he failed in his attempt at unseating him at UFC 117. “The Spider” finally took the bait, but on one condition—that Brazil would be the stomping ground.
Oh! About that meal—for starters Sonnen had CarrottoNogueira’s. The entrée consisted of Spider soup and Foot of Veal (he suggested Big), and for desert—Wandersoufflé.
1. Axe Murderer vs. American Gangster
Wand, you might as well fill out your own toe tag. Where is says “Cause of death,” just write, “I pissed off a Gangster.”
Strong words from the self-proclaimed “American Gangster.” However, Wanderlei Silva doesn’t fill out his own toe tags, but he does write the epitaph of others—“Axe Murderer” style.
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