Face it, you suck at fantasy baseball and the only pleasure you're going to derive from this six-month slog is the smug satisfaction you get from creating a funny team name.
"Ha! I'm clever," you'll think to yourself as you draft Manny Ramirez in the third round. "Why didn't anyone else think to make a Ryan Braun urine joke?"
News flash, they did.
They also made copious use of the names Dunn, Cano, Yu, Pujols, Inge, Fister, Utley, Uggla and Sabathia
So to avoid repetition and get the creative juices flowing toward what will be the greatest accomplishment of your season, I present the 50 funniest fantasy baseball names.
Most have been mined from the endless expanse we call the Internet. A few sprang forth from my own, addled brain.
All of them are (potentially) funny (depending on your taste).
White butler approves.
What's that? You don't get that joke and you're too lazy to click the link?
You deserve your unhappiness.
Though if I had to pick one of Rihanna's ex-boyfriend's to represent the dark side...
Bill Simmons isn't reading this, but if he was he'd thoroughly enjoy it.
Josh Hamilton, please avoid.
An Advil Spokesman Who Cares
You don't get this reference, but there's a stoned-out 60-year-old with hair down to his butt who does.
I'm embarrassed for the both of you.
Not with that look you don't.
The Houston Astros are a joke, get it?
Of course you do. Doesn't mean your laughing.
If Aaron Harang was filled with a sweet lemony custard we'd all like him a lot more.
Until of course we ate him, which, given Ned Colletti's history with free agents, sounds like a credible possibility.
I ordered tickets from them one time and somehow I'm on like 70 different Stub Hub email lists.
"Exciting opportunity for D.C.-area Green Day fans..."
"Ringling Bros. will be in Dallas the weekend of..."
How does that...
I ordered friggin' Yankees tickets.
Oh and I refuse to un-subscribe from any of them because I'm pretty sure that means the terrorists win.
Demerits for being more of a sentence than a name.
Bonus points for referencing Johnny Cochrane.
Double bonus points for reminding me that O.J. Simpson is safely behind bars.
Triple bonus points for allowing me to make a secondary pun about Ryan escaping in a White Ford Braun-co.
Here's to three months of pretending I read these books.
"A battle for the very soul of Panem, you say? Of course. Of course. Now I don't mean to change the subject, but...grape jelly."
Cut-rate car insurance and the National League's best first baseman share a lot in common.
1.) They are both things.
2.) They are both based in Ohio.
3.) Did I mention that they are both things?
Or if you prefer a more a tasteful moniker, "The Pat Mischionary Position."
Yes...yesssss....give me all of your Indie street cred.
Purchased in 1993. Never opened.
Known in the 1980s for pitching dominance. Known today for his on-air analysis.
It's probably a Kia Optima with power-locking doors and a "BR 11" vanity plate.
That is based on absolutely no inside information.
Tennessee Williams would be proud.
Oh wait, no he wouldn't.
A novel by Harper Lee Smith.
The name works on many levels. For starters, it's a pun. For finishers, Brett Gardner plays the game at an unrelenting pace—buzzing around the diamond with an abiding energy that can be fairly described as "constant."
With those niceties out of the way, allow me to say that the Yankees' decision to issue sepia-toned portraits on media day has to be one of the most annoying, presumptuous PR moves ever.
We get it, you're the Yankees—you've been around forever and won a bunch of ballgames. But you do realize all this bluster about history and tradition is the reason the rest of us hate you?
I mean Jesus, it's 2012. You can take pictures on your phone. You can video chat with complete strangers. You can get sushi delivered to your front door.
Mickey Mantle probably thought sushi was the Shinto god of war.
Give up the damn past already.
Oh and by the way, none of us care about the glorified softball game you guys call Old-Timers' Day.
The Toronto Blue Jays would have saved a lot of coin if they'd just listened to the church lady.
That's good advice from The Georgia Satellites.
And while we're on the topic of good advice, let's add "don't participate in Ponzi Schemes" to the list.
Oh and when you see something, say something.
So to review:
1) Mind other people's personal space.
2) Don't circumvent regulatory legislation.
3) Snitch whenever possible or else we all die.
1.) Go skydiving. 2.) See a movie starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson. 3.) Drink beer in the clubhouse. 4.) Rock a goatee-twine-necklace combo that makes everyone a little uncomfortable. 5.) Make the PERFECT grilled cheese sandwich.
6.) Poop in Jon Lester's shoes.
I don't totally get this one, but I'm pretty sure it's funny.
Only one problem: B.J. Ryan was supposed to be doing the saving.
Apparently the Dutch have nothing better to do than create horror films about grotesque scientific experiments conducted on American tourists.
And what's up with having two different names for your country and then a third, unrelated name to describe your nationality?
I've got my eye on you Holland.
Jim Joyce could blow a million perfect games and I'd still like him more than I like Joe West.
What a blowhard that guy is.
Joe West's face makes me so angry that I will actually nod along in agreement when Chicago White Sox announcer Hawk Harrelson berates him.
And I NEVER nod along with the crazy babble that comes out of Hawk Harrelson's mouth.
Well that just about describes both of their 2011 seasons now doesn't it?
Of all the unlikely, transcendent stories in professional sports—a highly touted white guy from Alabama playing first base!
It's just like Linsanity except it doesn't exist.
"In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364, at CitiField..."
Directed by Tim Burton and starring the incomparable Johnny Depp, this film takes viewers into the macabre world of knee rehabilitation.
According to Rolling Stone, Depp's portrayal of the Cuban-born first baseman is, "Woefully inaccurate—pretty much just Johnny Depp playing that same, creepy Johnny Depp character without even the slightest allusion to the person he is supposedly portraying."
The New York Times adds, "That scene where a bizarro Dr. James Andrews runs Morales' knee through a meat grinder was both uninspired and unnecessary."
Your neighbor Sarah, however, wants to reiterate that she would "totally still do it with Johnny Depp," adding that he has "aged well."
Fun fact: Justin Morneau's actual parents are named George and Audra.
I take it back, that fact was not fun in the least.
Behold what man can create when man does not have gainful employment.
Long live word play.
Based on my internet findings, Yu Darvish is the Jeremy Lin of Major League Baseball.
Oh, no...gosh, no I didn't mean it that way.
I meant in the sense that both their names make for ample word play...
I'll pack my things.
Given recent changes in military policy, perhaps "Openly Bay" is more appropriate.
If this name doesn't tickle your fancy, take solace in the fact that there about 100 other variations on this theme and almost all of them have to do with venereal diseases.
Residents of the Pacific Northwest
BUT WHAT IF HE WERE WHITE SABATHIA!?!?!?
Paging ESPN the Magazine.
Take that image and store it in your brain for the next time you want to suppress an orgasm.
Two decades ago, Rage Against the Machine urged us to kill in the name of a new, radical world order.
Today, Curt Schilling urges us to kill in the name of Amalur, some sort of Warcraft-like fantasy world. Or something like that. I don't know, I only play sports video games.
I expect this name will get old about as fast as Lil' Jon did—which means it is already old.
If you aren't a fan of ensemble romantic comedies, you likely won't get the reference.
In other words, you're better off not getting the reference.
With a towel around his waist and a dream in his heart, Ryan Garko set out across the carpeted expanse of the visiting locker room in search of a post-game snack...
...upon arrival he was killed by Mongol hordes.
Considering his 120:25 SO:BB ratio last year, I'm not sure why you picked him up in the first place.
Depeche Mode was a pioneer in electronic music.
You are a pioneer in the game Oregon Trail.
You have dysentery.
I'm sorry, there had to be better way to break that news. Seriously though, expect violent diarrhea over the next 24 hours.
In the early 1990s, My Bloody Valentine rose to international fame with a distortion-heavy sound described by some critics as "noise pop."
Bobby Valentine is also very noisy.
There's no easy way to put this, but the re-make of this movie blew chunks.
And while we're on the subject of bad news I ought to tell you that Billy Bob Thornton has four offspring.
Milton Bradley: "Sir, I dispute your call. By what earthly eye could the preceding pitch have been judged a strike. Surely no eye exists, for its mere presence would make a mockery of truth, justice and the eternal human quest for meaning."
Eric Wedge: "Mustache."
I won't make the obligatory joke about Tom Brady's sister, but you can.
You know you really are classless.
The room falls silent.
One by one, everyone who consumed Taco Bell within the last 24 hours raises their hands.