Peyton Manning Has a Lot of Potential Suitors, None Are Good Enough

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Peyton Manning Has a Lot of Potential Suitors, None Are Good Enough
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Yesterday on Yahoo!, Michael Silver made a list of the 12 most likely potential spots where Peyton Manning will land. He used interviews from league insiders and general managers in order to compile this list, which was basically ranked in a professional fashion for all teams not from Buffalo (their bio literally said "LOL"). Being as I am nothing more than a cynic, I decided to give Manning reasons for not going to any of the teams Silver listed in hopes he is forced to fight Tony Dungy to see who will work on Sunday Night Football in America on NBC Sponsored by (Insert Mediocre Sponsor Here).

 

12. Buffalo Bills

Robots hate the cold, and being as now Manning is one-eighth robot (lots of metal in his neck, I presume), there is no way he won't rust and freeze over. You're just asking for trouble here. And can you imagine how depressing Manning in a Bills jersey would be? That's like Joe Montana in a Chiefs jersey times three.

 

11. Cleveland Browns

Again, imagine Manning in a Browns uniform. No one wants to end his career looking like a giant turd, right? Also, he would have to play twice a year against James Harrison, who would make it his new life goal to murder Manning and invoke the largest fine in world history.

 

10. Kansas City Chiefs

Scott Pioli is the general manager, a guy who basically lives out CIA fantasies on the job. He's all the lame parts of J. Edgar Hoover, in charge of a football team. Not that I'm implying Manning has anything to hide, though, because I doubt he does. I'm sure he keeps all of his body parts and mistresses in other countries because he has the money to do that.

 

9. Jacksonville Jaguars

No, because there is literally no way Maurice Jones-Drew wouldn't convince Manning to join him in a suicide pact.

 

8. Arizona Cardinals

They already have Kevin Kolb—quit hogging quarterbacks!

 

7. New York Jets

Do you know what the New York media does to athletes, specifically quarterbacks? Turn them into social pariahs by claiming they have leprosy and set orphanages ablaze, all because of one three-interception game. Mark Sanchez isn't even allowed to go outside his house because the city won't let him. I think.

 

6. Seattle Seahawks

The Killing takes place here, and the only people who live in Seattle are those who love rain and those who are possessed with ever-present melancholia. Manning doesn't seem like he falls into either category. 

 

5. Miami Dolphins

LeBron James and DJ Khaled live there, so one can only imagine the post-apocalyptic state of the city as of now. 

 

4. Washington Redskins

Dan Snyder is a nice guy.

 

3. Denver Broncos

If Manning goes to Denver, ESPN will collapse upon itself. The controversy that will ensue will never, ever end, I promise you that. This is all because Tim Tebow plays quarterback for Denver, and any story involving Tebow requires everyone to have an opinion. Just imagine him losing his job. Chaos would ensue. People would die. The sun would explode.

 

2. San Francisco 49ers

It's all the way out in San Fran, and I'm on the East Coast, so yeah. This won't work out.

 

1. Houston Texans 

Does he want a championship or a legacy? Something that was asked constantly about LeBron James when he moved to Miami, but would never be asked about Peyton Manning if he moved to Houston. Double standards!

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