An Afternoon with Da Bears at Halas Hall(Satire)

Recently I was lucky enough to visit with some of the Chicago Bears players and coaches at their Halas Hall Headquarters in Lake Forrest, Ill.

I was visiting family in the Chicago area when I decided to take a trip down there to see if I could score an interview for Bleacher Report. I think the easiest way to share my experience is to start from the beginning and work our way from there, so here we go.

I showed up at the great Halas Hall around noon. "Wow," I thought to myself as I pulled up. Walking to the front door, I recognized the guy there waiting for me. It was none other than Bears safety Mike Brown.

I could barely hold in my excitement.

"It is a honor to meet you, Mr. Brown," as I gave him a firm handshake. "Ouch! Damn it!" Brown shouted. Simply put, the handshake was a little too firm, and now Mike will be on IR for 2009.

After I apologized, Brown was gracious enough to continue showing me around.

Just then, three men were walking toward us carrying boxes and what looked like personal belongings. "Who are they?" I asked.

"Who, them?" Brown replied. "There just the entire defensive staff that was fired today."

As a Bears fan, I was elated. "What about defensive coordinator Bob Babich?" I quickly said.

"No, he is still here; him and Lovie are friends. Friends stick together," Brown replied.

My heart sank.

Moving on, I was able to have a conversation in the film room with cornerback Charles Tillman. He spent his time with me trying to show it was someone else's fault that Bernard Berrian scored a 99-yard touchdown on him. It was to no avail.

We came across wide receiver Rashied Davis. He did not have time for us because he was to busy learning how to catch a football. Next we saw quarterbacks Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton playing Madden.

Again, they did not have time for me as they were in the midst of a quarterback controversy. They could not decide which of them will play quarterback in their franchise.

I let them in on a little secret, something no one on the Bears staff would dare tell them. "You both suck; look in the free agent pool or make a trade." They both stopped and stared at me like deer in the headlights.

Bears rookie running back Matt Forte passed me in the hall and I was able to chat with him for a little. I asked him how he has managed to stay under the radar and not be outspoken after his superb rookie season.

His response was that he did not want to be the next Anthony Thomas, Rashan Salaam, Curtis Enis, and so on. I told him I don't think he has to worry about that.

I was disappointed to find out that Brian Urlacher, Tommie Harris, and Devin Hester were unavailable due to more contract negotiations. Lance Briggs was training by himself for the Pro Bowl, so we did not bother him. Bears running back Adrian Peterson came up to me in the hallway wanting to give me an interview, but I just ignored him.

Smith and Babich were said to be on vacation somewhere with their other buddy, former Lions coach Rod Marinelli, discussing Marinelli joining the team as the D-line coach. I did not even want to get into that. So all that was left was Bears GM Jerry Angelo.

Unfortunately, he was too busy. In one ear, he had Mike Ditka yelling at him to fire Babich and in the other he was on the phone with every and any washed up free agent quarterback to bring in for competition with the other two. I think Joey Harrington was No. 1 on his list.

The day was looking to be a bust, something the Bears are used to, but with Brown still at my side, he guided me to the trophy room.

Now, I had seen one before (five, to be exact), but not the one of my beloved Bears. It was the Lombardi Trophy. It was surrounded by the history of the Bears franchise and the all-time greats. Seeing that made up for the lack of an interview and the struggles of the recent Bears organization. It just goes to show that things will turn around.

Well, it was about 5 p.m. and time for me to go. I again apologized to Brown for breaking his hand, but he said not to worry. He even gave me an autograph, which I put up on eBay.

I hope you enjoyed my recap of an afternoon at Halas Hall. It was an experience I will never forget.

This article can also be read at www.fantasyfootballmaniaxs.com.

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