You’ve just been given unlimited access to the college football rulebook, and you have one month to rearrange things however you see fit. The keys to the kingdom are yours, and you can now enjoy your favorite game built around your preferences. The following fall, your changes will be implemented and the game will be played exactly the way you want it.
Grab the whiteout, a Sharpie and a few 12-packs of your beverage o’ choice, and away you go.
This fictional scenario is fictional for good reason. College football would likely crumble within 11 days of your redefined rules, and we’d be forced to spend our Saturdays at Home Depot and other family-packed nightmares.
There are much smarter people in charge of these important discussions (either that or our invitations were LOST in the mail), and they’ve decided to place their current focus on safety. I’m certainly all for looking at ways to improve the well-being of the players, but I also believe that these conversations should go beyond helmets, kickoffs and touchbacks.
Consider that my not-so-smooth transition to the ridiculous.
This past season taught us much about the current state of the game, and it’s clear that improvements could be made. Also, if any of you have any sort of connection to a college football rules official, please, pass along these subtle (they are not), intelligent (not a chance), and important (nope) enhancements.
The Tiger Clause
A bad football game is a bad football game, and sometimes there’s nothing that can be done to change that. The 2011-12 National Championship game would certainly fall under this category, and we’re using this formula to rid ourselves of watching the full duration of a bad game going forward.
If a team does not cross the 50-yard line at any point in the first half, the second half will not be played and the inept team will automatically lose. If neither team crosses the halfway point by the halfway point, the game will then be decided by which quarterback can throw a Nerf Vortex the farthest.
Big Man Bonus
FAT GUY TOUCHDOWNS will be worth eight points versus the typical six. There will be stipulations, however, to prevent you from putting in a lineman on 1st-and-goal from the one-inch line.
The man scoring the touchdown must be over 300 pounds and must have a body fat percentage greater than 20 percent. There’s a difference between large man and fat guy. Also, to qualify for the two-point bonus, this touchdown will need to be over 15 yards.
FAT GUY TOUCHDOWNS may be celebrated from any distance, but only the truly large, rumbling men will be awarded game-altering plays.
The kicking in college football is dreadful. In fact, I believe we may have just insulted the word “dreadful” by calling it that.
All field goal kicking in college football will be banned, as will extra points. With that said, the answer is “no,” Mr. Kiffin. We will not be instituting a three-point conversation at this moment, but your request has been documented.
Add a Playoff
Enough is enough. It’s coming in 2014, but we want it now. Move along.
No More “Sandstorm”
This song is dead. In fact, it’s been dead since 2002, and even that is being generous regarding the acceptable timeline.
We might be barking up the wrong tree here, but we’re going to the top to stop this at once. Stadiums will no longer be allowed to play “Sandstorm” at any time, and all guilty parties will then be forced to play Pitbull songs, and Pitbull songs only before, during and after games.
Good luck having a “real good time,” future violators.
He’s just too fast. (He also won an Oscar.)
Oregon’s De’Anthony Thomas will no longer be allowed to outrun defenders as effortlessly as he does. If he reaches his top speed in a game (or separates from defenders by too wide of margin), the play will be ruled dead and he will be suspended for three games.
The Random Punter Rule
In the effort to create a more balanced athlete, each player will be eligible to punt if a team elects to punt the ball away on fourth down.
There will be a giant wheel on each sideline, similar to the one seen on The Price is Right, where each member of the roster will be represented. Once the wheel stops, the name selected will be obligated to kick it. Coaches will also be eligible, and this is the part where you would most likely tell a Charlie Weis joke.
Remember the Alamo
The 2011 Alamo Bowl was magnificent television, but it was also a defensive dumpster fire. Have no fear, we’re here to assist the defenses in these times of struggle.
Once a defense gives up 50 points, they will be permitted to add an extra cornerback for the remainder of the game. This rule does not apply to MAC games, where 50 points is scored by teams regularly.
The reason for this exception? It’s far too entertaining and I do not want to alter these games in any way, shape or form.
Balanced Television Slate
ENOUGH with having to flip through three of the day’s best games at once. Networks will adjust accordingly, and our televisions will be jam-packed with goodness from 8 a.m. until last call.
Coin Flip No More
Inspired by Goldy and Bucky in 2011, the first mascot to pin the other will have his/her/its choice of possession or direction to start the game. We will be implementing a steroid (and HGH) testing program shortly after with strict guidelines.
We don’t want another “the urine was in the fridge” situation on our hands.