Comparing Every Draft Expert to an NFL Player
I thought it would be great to kick the weekend off with a comedic article focusing on the draft experts that we have all come to know all too well. In some cases there is only a certain amount of talking head banter we can take in the off-season.
Unless, of course, it is Matt Miller and his absolutely amazing aura of greatness.
Now that my nose is pretty brown, I shall move on.
This article is going to compare NFL Draft experts to players that they get paid to critique and judge.
Vincent Frank, Bleacher Report
Player comparison: Cam Newton
Of course, I have to start with myself. In reality, I wouldn't have it any other way.
After all, I am the greatest thing since Louis Re`ard invented the modern bikini. You got that right, sliced bread has nothing on me.
I compare favorably to Cam Newton. We both are youngsters, new to the scene with amazing talent, both in our style and in our profession.
While Newton is busy blowing past defenders on the ground the streaming balls past the ears of corners, I am here astonishing my readers with the absolute best content that the human eye could even imagine.
Yes, the reflection in my mirror is in love with itself.
Todd McShay, ESPN
Player comparison: Tom Brady
Todd McShay got his start in scouting as an intern for the venerable Gary Horton, one of the greatest draft scouts of all-time.
In reality, the ESPN "talking head" took the same path in his career as Tom Brady did. Brady practically interned at the University of Michigan, when he could has easily collected a paycheck at USC here in California.
After sitting behind Horton for a while, McShay got his shot at the World Wide Leader in Sports. Initially, we all thought he was a skinny kid from New England, who was attempting to duplicate the musings of Mel Kiper.
Since, we have come to know him as just another pundit with an opinion. I wouldn't have it any other way either.
Take your pick.
Rich Eisen, NFL Network
Player comparison: Marshawn Lynch
He went all "beast-mode" on us during the NFL Combine, running an amazing 6.03 40-yard dash. Eisen, the first personality hired by the NFL Network, sounded like Marshawn Lynch in the embedded video. Fast forward to 1:40 on the clip and you will hear a combination of a grunt, growl and something that sounded a lot like a rat giving birth to an elephant.
Those comparisons aside, Eisen has the Lynch like scowl on the NFL Network and sure does look like a Skittle.
Just imagine him purple, my favorite flavor.
Mike Mayock, NFL Network
Player comparison: Tony Romo
A great non-player NFL comparison would be Roger Goodell, just look at Mayock's mug on the embedded photo.
I just couldn't avoid the Tony Romo comparison here. The NFL Network talking head always looks great on tape and suggests things that make sense in February, but when it comes down to crunch time he fails miserably. At least, that is what his pundits would like you to believe.
Where else can you have a 12.9 percent success rate like Mayock in his final 2008 NFL Mock Draft and be considered an expert?
At least we know he isn't blindly throwing darts at a board hoping they stick.
Wait, never mind.
Matt Miller, Bleacher Report
Player comparison: Peyton Manning
Quite and unassuming, Matt Miller has quickly become one of the best draft writers in the business. He still does, however, have that "awe shucks" look to him. And, those sweaters sure are atrocious.
Kinda reminds me of what I view Manning to have looked like during his Tennessee Volunteer' days in chemistry class.
Miller was also in Indianapolis for the NFL Scouting Combine over the last week. Sources close to his sources have indicated to my sources that he was in bed by nine to watch Modern Family after having a cup of Earl Grey Tea.
Now that has Manning written all over it.
Again, those sources could be wrong and Matt was out drinking until the wee hours of the morning with Manning at The Moon Dog.
Mel Kiper Jr, ESPN
Player comparison: Tim Tebow
While Tebow has stayed "pure" for the almighty by choice, I am pretty sure its the choice of females that has enabled Kiper to say pure.
Seriously, he kinda looks like the Chandler character from "Friends," 20 years after the fact.
With that said, this is one talented individual.
He was able to turn a hobby into a multi-million dollar career, while being average at his trade. Sound familiar?
Remember, this is an individual that once compared JaMarcus Russell to John Elway. If most of us were this bad at our job on occasion, we would be fired immediately. Somewhat like Tebow completing two passes in a NFL football game.