LeBron James usually walks around with a posse.
I say he should walk around with a translator.
When it comes to discussing his future, James might be known as "King James" more for his cryptic Bible-like sentences than for his ownership of the basketball court.
Fortunately for all of us, I happen to have a handy King James translator that will interpret the "King James Version" of ordinary comments.
On Thursday, James said:
"I think [returning to play for Cleveland] would be great, it would be fun to play in front of those fans again."
Translated, this means: "Linsanity is taking all the spotlight from me and my team. Let me say something outrageous that will draw all the attention back to me again."
"You can't predict the future..."
Translated, this means: "It won't really happen, suckers."
James then said:
"If I decide to come back, hopefully the fans will accept me."
Translated, this means: "When I come back [tomorrow] with my Heat teammates to wipe up your pathetic team, maybe you can stop booing me in the vain hopes I'll return to play there."
Then James brought up the elephant in the room—Cavs owner Dan Gilbert:
"He said what he said out of anger. He probably would want to take that back."
Translated, that means: "You all know Dan Gilbert obviously won't take that back, so that makes him the bad guy, see? And I'm trying to smooth this all out so I'm the good guy, see? Now can you all just love me again?"
The most cryptic comment James made was this:
"[B]ut I made a mistake too."
The KJV Translator is blowing steam trying to figure that out but it came up with two possible meanings.
The first possibility is: "My mistake was doing the one-hour ESPN special called 'The Decision.' In retrospect, I should have made it two hours long so my face could be on TV longer. My bad."
The other possibility is: "My mistake was inviting Chris Bosh to join me and my homeboy Dwyane Wade in Miami. Man, Chris is SO overrated. What on earth was I thinking?!?"
When Miami fans started feeling insulted by James' traitorous comments, James came up with this:
This was an easy one for the translator.
What James meant was: "I said the exact same thing to Cleveland fans before I stabbed them in the back. Um, hopefully no one noticed that."
Finally, Scott Raab wrote what is quite possibly the best "I Hate LeBron" book ever published called The Whore Of Akron. When Raab was asked on Twitter if he "would welcome the #WhoreOfAkron back," he tweeted in reply:
We put Raab's tweet through the translator, which thinks Raab meant: "On a granite slab? Definitely."
So there you have it. No more confusion from LeBron James' typical cryptic remarks about his future.
You can thank me later.
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