Till Divorce Do Us Part

The recent marriage breakups of Kobe and Vanessa Bryant, along with New Jersey Nets power forward Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian, should be a wake-up call for all those who strap on a protective cup for a living.

In today’s world of professional sports, the words “pro athlete” and “sacred bond of marriage” are as compatible as the words “Gisele Bundchen” and “New York Giants fan.”

So as a service to all those wannabe, jock-attached-brides, please take note of the following wedding vow translations.  They may help prepare you for the life that awaits should you decide to take the nuptial plunge.

Till Divorce Do Us Part

Traditional Wedding Vow:

"I, groom..."

 

Athletic Translated Wedding Vow:

"I, filthy rich athlete..."

Till Divorce Do Us Part

Traditional Wedding Vow:

"...take you, my brid ..."

 

Athletic Translated Wedding Vow:

"...take you, my delusional, smoking hot babe, who believes she has just won the relationship lottery..."

Till Divorce Do Us Part

Traditional Wedding Vow:

"...to be my wife..."

 

Athletic Translated Wedding Vow:

"…to be my visual arm prop, who will increase my wholesome image, and thus open up a number of new potential endorsement deals with companies that would normally not want to come within a million miles of my current persona…”

Till Divorce Do Us Part

Traditional Wedding Vow:

"...for better or for worse..."

 

Athletic Translated Wedding Vow:

"…despite this marital agreement, I have the right to text all images of my personal areas to any living creature on this planet..."

Till Divorce Do Us Part

Traditional Wedding Vow:

"...for richer or poorer..."

 

Athletic Translated Wedding Vow:

"…prenup, prenup, prenup, prenup, prenup..."

Till Divorce Do Us Part

Traditional Wedding Vow:

"...until death do us part."

 

Athletic Translated Wedding Vow:

“…even though I am putting this wedding band on my finger, I would exchange it, in a nanosecond, for a championship ring!"