Vernon Davis, after the New Orleans game
Here’s a middle-aged woman’s last-minute guide to watching the Super Bowl.
Remember that ‘middle age’ has been redefined following a recent survey establishing that republicans have more orgasms than liberals and news that women are a psychologically different species from men.
Of course, any man who was between the ages of 12 and 16 in 1995, when Roger Donaldson's film Species came out—about a human-alien hybrid in heat, played by supermodel Natasha Henstridge who was born in a trailer park in Alberta—knew that was not just a movie.
And now countless women know what it’s like to live with men who secretly believe that. But all of which is to say, under the new rules, technically there are no longer any women over age 39, with the possible exception of Sharron Angle.
Now as you’re getting ready the watch the Super Bowl, it’s important to remember that any question you think of, much less ask, will be considered stupid. Here are some of the most common questions you may be tempted to ask but shouldn’t:
Is today the super bowl? Or, is this another playoff game?
Will we see something weird today? Like a loose breast or I dunno?
Is showing your emotions the way Vernon Davis did, by hugging and crying vs. shouting and punching, is that the new manly-man thing?
Where do cheerleaders go to retire?
When cheerleaders and players have fantasy sex do the players ever wave the pompoms and play the role of cheerleader?
So forget those, but ask this (and ask as though you’re serious when actually you just want to hear the ignorant gibberish men can come up with): “What does Giant’s president John Mara mean when he says, “You can’t make football decisions based on the next day’s headlines?”
Here’s a permissible comment, particularly if this is something you’ve been wanting to say for many years and if your team is winning: “I’m glad all you Godzillas are so happy but if I hear just one more whine about your prostate problems, you’re all outta here.”
Remember that men no longer have the strong egos they once did. They’re beset by new disorders, now listed in the DSM, including Hoarding and Hypersex, also known as Anthony Weiner disease. They also cry on a dime. In certain cases, it’s okay to say, “Now don’t you do a Chris Matthews on me. Don’t get all weepy and tingly on me.”
Metrosexuality is another ailment. Best not to laugh at men watching the game in their sarong. Let them have their private moments. If they want to be in their jammies with their teddy bear to hold while they’re watching the game, that’s okay.
Remember, don’t be judgmental. DON’T CALL A DOCTOR. JUST WAIT IT OUT.
Also, don't go down one knee and do your Tim Tebow imitation. It may be funny; but it may not. Men are conflicted about Tim Tebow. He makes them nervous and upset. Advice: Advil.
In more upscale circles, pretense is always important and so might focus on the women around you rather than the men. And so you might ask, ‘who would you rather go lingerie shopping with, Sheryl Sandberg or Christina Lagarde?’
Here’s a question a lot of middle aged women want to ask, “Do players who wear long dreadlocks suffer more injuries from having their hair yanked out during games?”
The answer is, yes they do. Here are some anecdotes you can tell,
Buffalo Bills offensive lineman Ed Wang, who recently trimmed his waist-length hair to the middle of his back, said his hair would get pulled “on every play” when it was longer — and that was in practice, by his own teammates…. After Cleveland Browns Pro Bowl kick returner Joshua Cribbs was pulled down by his hair, possibly saving a touchdown, Cribbs now trims his hair so opponents can’t get a good grip on it…. “After the game, I‘m walking off the field and I’ll look down at the ground and see a piece of my hair,” said Johnson, the 2009 Associated Press NFL Offensive Player of the Year. “It’s like, ‘Hey, when did that come out?’”
Finally, the good news. Last week was the Pro Bowl. So this is it. This is the last game of the season, and really the last thing of football interest until the combine at the end of the month. If you don't know what the combine is, don't ask.
And remember, no matter what happens, if there's a problem, if 'your' team loses, DON'T CALL A DOCTOR, JUST WAIT IT OUT.