Super Bowl 2012: 10 People Who Will Be Miserable Watching Super Bowl XLVI
I forgive you, New York Giants and New England Patriots fanbases, for you do not know what most other fanbases live through.
New York Jets fans have not even seen their team compete in a Super Bowl since 1969, much less win one. In fact, it may be time for Jets owner Woody Johnson to launch "Diehard Night," offering free tickets to anybody who was actually alive the last time the Jets won a Super Bowl.
Minnesota Vikings fans? They haven't experienced the joy of making the big game since 1977.
Cincinnati Bengals fans? 1989. Miami Dolphins fans? 1985.
Even the Dallas Cowboys fans, "America's Team," have not made it back since 1996. That means the mother of one of those MTV Teen Moms was actually giving birth to the "Teen Mom" the last time the 'Boys won it all. I just blew my mind.
Then there are the fans of the Cleveland Browns, Detroit Lions, Jacksonville Jaguars and Houston Texans. All four teams have never even made an appearance.
But you, Giants fans and Patriots fans, all you had to do was wait four short years for a Super Bowl rematch. And before the 2008 original matchup, Pats fans only had to wait for three years, while Giants fans had to wait seven years to have yet another chance to get that Vince Lombardi trophy.
While I will be miserable because my allegiances lie with the Jets, where I still remain convinced of the fact that Joe Namath backed up his "guarantee" with a deal with the devil. Until the devil gets his soul, the Jets will forever be doomed.
Here are 10 more fans who will be miserable watching this year's Super Bowl.
Can this Super Bowl get any worse for New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan, the head coach who never seems to stop his brash talk without backing it up?
From Ryan not going "to kiss Belichick's rings" to him saying, "I recognize they're an excellent football team, but we're better," about the New York Giants, Rex is about to see the little brother or the Pats add to their ring collection before he even gets to his first as Jets head coach.
Who can Ryan possibly be rooting for in this game? The hated division-rival Patriots or the hated in-house rival Giants?
If the Giants win, those two back-to-back AFC Championship games would mean less than they do already. If the Pats win, it will be No. 4 for nemesis Bill Belichick and Co.
Either way, I'm sure he will be cursing heavily at his TV screen if he watches.
And to think, all he had to do was have his Jets beat the "little brother" Giants in Week 16 to put an end to Big Blue's playoff run before it even started.
Which brings us to the next miserable fan...
Please forgive me if I simply cannot comprehend if Peyton Manning or anyone else who feeds me the garbage that Peyton will or should be happy for his little brother Eli Manning winning a second Super Bowl.
If you actually believe that you are: A) an only child; or B) an idiot. (Sorry if I offended any idiots.)
How can Peyton Manning, the ultra-competitive bigger brother, who plays the same NFL position as Eli, not be secretly rooting against him.
I'm not saying Peyton is hoping his brother has a horrible game where he throws multiple interceptions and no TDs and has no chance at winning the game, but he probably found a happy medium.
Say Eli plays very well, passing for over 400 yards and three TDs but ultimately loses in a shootout at the end? I'm sure Peyton would be just fine with that outcome.
But if Eli wins? And he has one more than Peyton? It's over for him.
If I were Eli, I would make sure the second ring was molded into the first one. So this way when he wears the double Super Bowl ring to family functions, it can also work as brass knuckles. Eli can show the ring, then hit him with it, leaving a bruise on Peyton's arm only his double Super Bowl ring can leave.
While we're on the brothers subject, there are these two...
You have to feel sorry for first-year San Francisco 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh.
He took a 49ers team that was 6-10 just a season before, added no real difference-makers besides Aldon Smith and took them to within a few plays of their first Super Bowl appearance since 1995.
On the way to doing this, he transformed a defense that ranked 13th overall in 2010 into a defense that ranked fourth overall this season.
He also took Alex Smith—thought to be bust—and made him a legitimate NFL QB. Under Harbaugh, Smith threw for a career high in yards and was intercepted just five times while he raised his QB rating from 82.1 to 90.7.
The 49ers are a relatively young team and should be able to make it back to an NFC Championship game to get another shot at a Super Bowl, but no one ever knows in the NFL.
Dan Marino was sure he would get back there, too, and look what happened him.
Jim's brother, John, on the other hand...
"DAMN YOU LEE EVANS, HOLD ON TO THE BALL! WE COULD HAVE WON! Ahh, forget it, it's ok, we'll get them in OT! DAMN YOU BILLY CUNDIFF! HOW DO YOU MISS THAT! IT WAS FROM 32 YARDS! 32 F****ING YARDS! 32 YARDS! DAMMIT!!"
That was what I imagined was coming out of the mouth of Baltimore Ravens head coach John Harbaugh as time ticked off the clock during the AFC Championship game.
With most of Baltimore's defense getting older and slower, it is not the powerful unit it once was. Ray Lewis and Ed Reed are both shells of their former dominant selves and will not last much longer unless they find the fountain of youth.
That's what made the AFC Championship game against the New England Patriots so important. It may have been the last shot with this core group together before the Ravens start rebuilding.
The game was theirs for the taking, as they held Tom Brady to 239 passing yards, intercepted him twice and for the first time in 36 games, he failed to throw a TD pass.
They also kept the beast of a tight end, Rob Gronkowski, out of the end zone, while limiting him to just five catches. Wes Welker was also a non-factor, with only six catches for 53 yards and no TDs.
Much-criticized Joe Flacco even performed well, passing for over 300 yards, two TDs and one interception.
It seems unbelievable after reading the stats that the Ravens lost this game, but they did, and after missing the opportunity after almost everything broke their way, it's going to be a long road back.
Maybe the Brothers Harbaugh should not be anywhere near a TV on Sunday. It's too bad, I would have preferred a Harbowl.
Kyle Williams. What happened, man? I could understand one screw up, but two? In an NFC Championship Game?
Now, I know some people might argue that your screw ups didn't lose the game and the game was ultimately lost by the whole team throughout the course of the whole 60 minutes, but I don't subscribe to that theory.
You know you were the cause, just like you knew that ball hit your knee on that kickoff. Guess what? You were on camera, so the whole "it didn't touch me" act was NEVER going to work.
They did tell you the game was going to be nationally televised, right? It was quite a performance, though. If there ever is a Jerry Maguire sequel, you may have secured the Cuba Gooding Jr. role.
The death threats were absolutely ridiculous. My advice would be to come back and make 49ers Nation forget your bad plays with better ones. You are only a rookie.
If you tune into the game on Sunday, keep in mind you will not be the only miserable fan watching.
Which brings me to...
Never Put The Game On The Leg Of A Kicker. If your team does not have a kicker named Adam Vinatieri, every team should follow this advice.
Not only did Billy Cundiff miss the 32-yard field goal that would have sent the Baltimore Ravens to overtime in the AFC Championship game, but he had terrible season.
Cundiff hit only 75.7 percent of his field goals this season, down from 89.7 percent last season. In fact, during his nine-year career, he has only made 76.7 percent of his field goals.
The way kickers are released by NFL teams, it would be a surprise if he is back with the Ravens next season.
Cundiff if is not going to want to see the replay on Sunday of how the New England Patriots backed into the Super Bowl. That is, unless he is a glutton for punishment.
Then again, aren't all kickers gluttons for punishment?
Was anybody else surprised how well Baltimore Ravens all-pro linebacker Ray Lewis took the AFC Championship loss?
If you have not seen or heard his post-game speech, you can see it here.
I was waiting on word that violence broke out between Baltimore's veterans and kicker Billy Cundiff.
Not to nitpick, but Lewis never mentioned Cundiff's name in his speech—just Joe Flacco, which is much more than anyone would most likely do.
This game has to be haunting Lewis, who, at 36, just finished playing in his 16th NFL season. This game was also the closest he came to going back to the Super Bowl in 11 seasons.
If Ray-Ray is not taking his frustrations out on Cundiff, he just may take it out on the nearest television on Sunday that is showing the New England Patriots and the team he beat in the Super Bowl.
How perfect would it have been if Chad Ochocinco stuck with the New England Patriots?
The team actually wanted him and even traded for him before the season.
Ochocinco could have been a real weapon for the high-powered offense even as a third or fourth option behind Wes Welker, Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez, with Tom Brady throwing the ball.
He would have finally been on a winning team, a Super Bowl team.
Wait a minute, Ochocinco is still on the Patriots? Has he been hurt all season or something?
Chad played in 15 games? He only had 15 catches and one TD? What happened? He couldn't learn the offense? Really?
Oh well, Ochocinco will be miserable watching the Super Bowl on the sidelines then.
Aaron Rodgers and the Cheeseheads
While leading the Green Bay Packers to a 15-1 regular-season record, Aaron Rodgers was touted as the league's best QB and a sure-fire MVP.
Rodgers put together one of the greatest statistical seasons a QB has ever compiled. He led the league in the all-important QB rating with 122.5, he ranked second in passing TDs with 45, second in completion percentage, completing 68.3 percent of his passes, and fifth in passing yardage.
Rodgers also rushed for 257 yards with three rushing TDs. He did all this while throwing just six interceptions.
Fifteen regular season wins and all of that stat-stuffing earned Rodgers and his Packers a one-and-done playoff loss to the New York Giants in Lambeau Field.
This was the first time a team with 15 wins and a first-round playoff bye was eliminated in their first game.
Gone is all the conversation of how great Rodgers was this season and on is the talk of multiple rings, Eli Manning and Tom Brady.
God and Tim Tebow
Well, God did try his best. He did guide Tim Tebow and the Denver Broncos to a 7-4 record to close out the season.
Then, God pulled a few more strings to help the Denver Tebows miraculously back into the playoffs as division champions.
Then, God set up the David vs. Goliath—in the form of Tebow vs. the Pittsburgh Steelers—battle at Mile High.
Just like David took down Goliath, Tebow took down the Steelers, eliminating them from the playoffs, with his arm being divinely guided.
Against the Steelers, the league's No. 1-ranked passing defense, Tebow threw for 316 yards and two TDs, while rushing for another.
Then, God left Tebow and the Broncos all alone against the devil, in the form of Bill Belichick. Sorry, I'm a Jets fan, so it makes sense. But, this time, the devil won.
This is the only scenario that makes any sense. Well, unless God really doesn't have any kind of hand in the outcome of NFL games and He really doesn't back the Denver Broncos.