2012 Royal Rumble: Unconventionally Previewing WWE's Epic Event

Kevin Germany@@KevinUber1Analyst IIIJanuary 28, 2012

2012 Royal Rumble: Unconventionally Previewing WWE's Epic Event

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    The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Triple H, Brock Lesnar, (Name Removed), Batista, Rey Mysterio, Undertaker, John Cena, Randy Orton, Edge, and Alberto Del Rio have been the Royal Rumble winners of this millennium.

    Who will join them in the annals of WWE history by winning the illustrious Royal Rumble?

    Who will capture the World Heavyweight Championship? Who will capture the WWE Championship? (Seriously, that's a stupid question. When was the last time a title changed hands at the Rumble?)

    I feel like some major swerves are in order to kick off the Road to WrestleMania. I can see an extra match being added, given there are only four matches as of right now.

    With that said, here is my official preview of the Royal Rumble. Enjoy the theme song of the Royal Rumble, Dark Horses by Switchfoot.

The Divas Version of the Royal Rumble

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    Why not let them warm up the fans by giving the Divas their own Royal Rumble? The winner will face Divas Champion Beth Phoenix at WrestleMania.

    There can be some interesting outcomes and rules changes. Instead of one minute between Rumble entrants, it is 30 seconds. There are 15 combatants instead of 30.

    Expect a potential surprise return from either Layla or Michelle McCool. Kharma is still on maternal leave, so don't expect her to return.

    In spite of the fans' apathy towards the Divas, I can see the fans being semi-excited when Natalya wins the Divas Rumble. This sets up a feud between the Divas of Doom.

    Winner: Natalya

    Estimated Match Time: 15 minutes

Daniel Bryan (C) vs. Big Show vs. Mark Henry in a Steel Cage Match

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    Theoretically, Daniel Bryan can just out climb both behemoths in a steel cage. In reality, the fans need to get their money's worth. Therefore Daniel Bryan will NOT climb as fast as this man's sprint!

    If it were not a steel cage match, it would be easy to foresee Daniel Bryan losing his title to either giant. But the steel cage stipulation allows WWE to book Daniel Bryan to retain without a pinfall or a submission.

    At this point, I cannot foresee Mark Henry or Big Show winning the title. Therefore, Daniel Bryan retains by escaping the cage.

    Winner (and still champion): Daniel Bryan

    Estimated Match Time: 15 minutes

John Cena vs. Kane

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    This feud is very intriguing. Masked Kane has unsuccessfully tried to get John Cena to "Embrace the Hate."

    Then WWE realized John Cena in 2011 made $106 million for the WWE. I'll let you discuss amongst yourselves whether he is turning heel.

    It was pretty funny when they dropped the whole teasing the heel turn angle after they found out he made all that money.

    John Cena adjusts Kane's attitude twice much to the chagrin of nostalgic Libertarians. Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich would be proud.

    Psst: Behind that mask, Kane has a "Vote for Ron Paul" sticker.

    Winner: John Cena

    Estimated Match Time: 15 minutes

CM Punk (C) vs. Dolph Ziggler for the WWE Championship

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    Dolph Ziggler was in the exact same situation last year. He was feuding with Edge over the World Heavyweight Championship on Smackdown.

    Changes in names and brands are the only differences between this year and last year for the Show Off.

    You can equate John Laurinaitis to Vickie Guerrero. You can equate CM Punk to (Straight) Edge. You can even expect John Laurinaitis to get "fired" like Vickie. 

    When the match reaches the special climax, CM Punk finally takes out John Laurinaitis with a kick to the head. But a new referee comes out from the back.

    Shortly thereafter, Dolph Ziggler comes out of "nowhere" to roll up CM Punk with tights in hand. But Punk kicks out!

    Winner (and still champion): CM Punk

    Estimated Match Time: 30 minutes

5 Royal Rumble Predictions I'll Bet WWE Ice Cream Bars On

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    1. Kane will surpass Shawn Michaels' record of most career eliminations.

    Kane deserves this record for his long and loyal service to World Wrestling Entertainment. His notoriety needs to be backed up by tangible accomplishments.

    2. Rey Mysterio will come back.

    I can definitely see Rey make a surprise return to shock the fans. Rumors have swirled he could be back in time. But then again everyone said Triple H would make an appearance at the Rumble in 2011.

    3. Mick Foley will look horribly out of shape.

    Hey, I had to win at least one of these bets.

    4. Chris Jericho will win the Royal Rumble.

    Pretty self-explanatory. Jericho will win the Royal Rumble to set up countless potential feuds. Given both title pictures are in flux, he can bide his time until choosing his opponent.

    5. You will follow me on twitter and become a fan!

    Thanks for reading!