In case you haven't heard, the performer for the 2012 Super Bowl halftime show is Madonna. That would be an edgy and exciting choice if it were 1991.
Unfortunately it is so not 1991, and the thought of watching 53-year-old Madonna wandering around the stage warbling for 15 minutes sounds painful. Or as a pretending-to-be-British Madonna might say, "dreadful."
Ever since the nipple heard round the world, the NFL has gone out of its way to book the most innocuous halftime entertainment the music world has to offer. Since 2004, every has-been, sell-out and never-was in the country has graced the Super Bowl stage.
Frankly, I'm sick of this nonsense. There are ways to do this right, which is why I've put together 20 better options.
Someone please pass this on to the NFL offices.
Faith Hill and Tim McGraw are the First Couple of county music and have the potential to appeal to a broad section of the public, not just country music fans. Plus Hill has been watching football from the nation's capital for too long; let's bring her to a game.
Set List: Johnny Cash Tribute
"I Walk the Line"
"Folsom Prison Blues"
"Ring of Fire"
Britney Spears performed at the Super Bowl in 2001, and it's high time she made a return appearance. Spears has really gotten her act together in the last couple of years, indicating she might be ready to step back into the spotlight.
"Baby One More Time"
"Oops I Did it Again"
Pittsburgh's own Wiz Khalifa would be a great choice for the Super Bowl halftime show, especially if the Steelers were playing. Although, the rapper would probably be accused of favoritism.
"Black and Yellow"
"Teach You to Fly"
Sometimes those in charge of booking talent for the show decides that they'd rather go with a vintage classic, rather taking a chance on some young punk kids. Usually they get it wrong, very wrong. Remember the disaster that was The Who?
They should have booked Journey! It sounds cheesy, but you know damn well that "Don't Stop Believin'" would bring down the house.
"Don't Stop Believin"
"Any Way You Want It"
"Don't Stop Believin'"
There is nobody hotter right now than Drake, Canada's finest export. He's hot, talented and very 'today,' meaning we'll probably see him at the halftime show for the Super Bowl…in 2026.
"Fancy" (with T.I. & Swizz Beatz)
"Make Me Proud" (with Nicki Minaj)
"The Motto" (with Lil Wayne)
Okay, I lied before. There is one person hotter than Drake right now—Adele. The English singer-songwriter's debut album was certified four times platinum in the UK, and her popularity has been growing in the states since appearing on "Saturday Night Live" in late 2008.
"Someone Like You"
"Rollin in the Deep"
"Set Fire to the Rain"
"Rumour Has It"
I'm throwing a bone to all the hipster indie nerds out there by suggesting The Black Keys. I'm not really the hipster indie nerd type, but The Black Keys are actually pretty boss, and they sound great live.
"Howlin' for You"
For some reason all country crooners seem better in pairs. Country cutie Taylor Swift and Kenny Chesney, the man who never ever takes his hat off, just seem like a natural fit.
"Love Story" (Swift)
"You and Tequila" (Cheney & Swift)
Can you believe it's been a decade since Andre 3000 wanted you to shake it like a polaroid picture and Big Boi appreciated the way you move? Me either, but it's clear that an OutKast reunion is long overdue.
"So Fresh, So Clean" (Andre 3000 & Big Boi)
"The Way You Move (Big Boi)
"Hey Ya" (Andre 3000)
"Ms. Jackson" (Andre 3000 & Big Boi with a special appearance by Janet Jackson)
Nobody wants Madonna now; everyone wants to see Madonna from 20 years ago. So why not just book Lady Gaga instead? I'm sure they could get her to agree in advance not to wear a meat dress and/or arrive in an egg. Maybe not.
"Yo Jay-Z I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but Beyonce has one of the best booties of all time!"
That's how the show would start, and it would just grow in awesomeness from there
"99 Problems/Gold Digger Mashup"
"No Church in the Wold" (Jay-Z & Kanye with Frank Ocean)
"Monster" (Jay-Z & Kanye with Nicki Minaj)
"Run This Town" (Jay-Z & Kanye with Rihanna)
The Super Bowl halftime shows tend to play it safe with music genre and try to appeal to as many people as possible, and that's why it always sucks. When you try too hard to please everyone, it ends up pleasing no one.
Why not just go punk rock one year with Green Day? They might not be everyone's cup of tea, but they put on a damn good show.
"Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)"
"Welcome to Paradise"
The ultimate 'girl power' show, between the four of them, these broads have something for everyone. Musically you've got rap (Minaj), hip-hop (Rihanna), pop (Perry) and more pop (Ke$ha) covered.
Then physically you've got a blonde with thick thighs (Ke$ha), a redhead with a smoking body (Rihanna), a pink-haired broad with a big ass (Minaj) and a busty brunette (Perry).
These girls would bring down the house.
"Tick Tock" (Kesha)
"Raining Men" (Rihanna & Nicki Minaj)
"I Kissed a Girl" (Katy Perry)
"Run This Town" (Cover, featuring all four)
Obviously we all hate Metallica on a personal level, due to epic douchebaggery, but they really cranked out some great music in the '90s. Everyone misses the easy livin' of the the '90s, why not reminisce about the gold old days collectively, as a nation, on Super Bowl Sunday.
"For Whom the Bell Tolls"
"Sad But True"
"Wherever I May Roam"
Listen, if you don't like Rush, I don't want to hear about it. They are one of the greatest bands of all time, and I will straight up fight you if you say otherwise.
"The Spirit of Radio"
"American Idol" alum Carrie Underwood and Dierks Bentley are, essentially, the king and queen of Nashville. Of course those titles are unofficial, as far as I know.
Like I said with Green Day a few slides back, country isn't going to appeal to everyone, but people will pick a great performance from a couple of superstars like this over crap like the Black Eyed Peas any day of the week.
"All-American Girl" (Underwood)
"Undo It" (Underwood)
"What Was I Thinkin'" (Bentley & Underwood)
Beyonce and her booty are a national treasure—why they haven't performed at the Super Bowl halftime show yet is absolutely beyond me. Beyonce has been hinting at a Destiny's Child reunion for awhile. How kill would it be to kick it off at the Super Bowl?
"Crazy in Love" (with Jay-Z)
"Bonnie & Clyde" (with Jay-Z)
"Bootylicious" (with Destiny's Child)
Muse's Uprising had to have been written with the goal of making it a sports anthem in mind, otherwise they must have been very pleasantly surprised. I haven't been to a sporting event in years without hearing it, so they're a natural fit for the this stage.
"Supermassive Black Hole"
If you haven't heard Rihanna collaboration with Eminem on his song "Love the Way You Lie," well then you're missing out. The two might look like an unlikely pair, but I suspect they could create magic at the Super Bowl. Just a hunch.
"Cheers (Drink to That)" (Rihanna)
"Love the Way You Lie" (Eminem & Rihanna)
"Lose Yourself" (Eminem)
Bet you didn't see this coming! It's been almost a decade since nipplegate, can you believe it? People finally seem to be getting over their outrage over the sight of a boob, which means it's time to stir the pot again.
"What Have You Done for Me Lately" (Jackson)
"Carry Out" (Timberlake with Timbaland)
"Rock Your Body" (Timberlake & Jackson)