Unless you’ve been living under a hippopotamus’ rear-end for the past few years, you are fully aware that MMA bad-ass and the star of the hit new film Haywire, Gina Carano was once engaged to yours truly.
Carano and I had a hot thing going at one point in time.
The two of us were scheduled to recite our vows at a local Hooters wedding chapel in Las Vegas, Nevada but we decided to call the whole thing off when we both came to the realization that we are way too damn sexy to limit ourselves to one person.
Ever since then, men everywhere have been asking me for “my secrets” and how I was able to magically make Carano fall in love with me.
The truth is, there is no secret. I’m just better than you in every aspect.
Don’t feel bad though, because while you will never be as much of a bad-ass as Mitch Ciccarelli (oh and yes I did just refer to myself in the third person and if you have a problem with that, come find me), you can still seduce a hottie like Carano.
In this article I am going to share with you 10 simple, yet effective, steps required to make Carano fall in love with you.
Most of you are probably ugly as hell but fear not because you don’t need to be good looking for these steps to work.
If there’s one thing that Carano hates it’s bullies and Ndamukong Suh is one of the biggest bullies in sports today.
I’ve been calling this 300 plus pound baboon out to a fight for the past year, but he knows he can’t bully me around so, therefore, he has declined my challenge.
I walk around at 156-lbs but even with the massive weight difference, I’d easily break my boot off in that clown.
He’s not even on my radar anymore which means that the window has opened for someone else to step up to the plate and put this Detroit Lions defensive tackle in his place.
That’s where you come in. If you want to catch Carano’s attention, introducing your five fingers to Suh’s face is a sure fire way to do it.
Just don’t run away like a cowardly little girl after you do it. Some chicks might dig the wimpy little boy gimmick but Carano is not one of them, she wants a rugged man.
It’s time you learn the truth about cereal and its direct correlation to hooking up with gorgeous babes.
You see, hot chicks do not want to be with a man who eats Lucky Charms or Fruity Pebbles every morning.
They want to be with an Alpha Male that devours tough meals, not a little boy who chews on marshmallows.
Since Carano is sexier than the average hottie, your breakfast choice will have to be extremely hard-hitting.
A big bowl of nails should do the trick. Maybe toss in a few light bulbs and wrenches to spice the flavor up.
*DISCLAIMER: Don’t actually eat a bowl of nails, and lucky charms are delicious.
There’s nothing tough about a man who wears the same pair of draws that everyone else does.
Hot women like to see a guy that is willing to take risks and change things up. This is why you should buy a leopard thong immediately and flaunt it like a champ in front of Carano.
Just go ahead and do some squat thrusts right in front of her.
Trust me, she will love it.
Once you’ve gotten Carano’s attention with the previous three steps, it’s time to ask her out on a date.
Listen, don’t be one of those chumps who asks a girl out to a restaurant or a movie because every lame dude in the universe does that.
Girls like to be taken out on a mysterious adventure and there is no better adventure than a topless picnic out in the middle of nowhere.
Just make sure to bring plenty of condiments, you know for the sandwiches. Always make sure your bread is well protected with mustard, otherwise you might choke.
So now you’re on your first date with the woman you’ve fantasized about for the past five years like the creepy little clown that you are.
However, as close as you might think you are to making Carano your girl, you still have a long ways to go.
The next step is to prove to her how masculine you are by fighting a grizzly bear and choking the furry little hooligan out.
First you have to find a grizzly bear which shouldn’t be hard to do considering you are at a picnic.
However, if a bear does not show up and try to steal your food you will have to go out into the woods and find one yourself.
The best way to do this is to rub some honey all over your body and sing the theme from “Winnie the Pooh” until one shows up.
Men who beat on their wives or girlfriends are some of the lowest form of scum on the face of the Earth.
However, when you’re dating a professional MMA fighter, beating them up is one of the fastest ways to their heart.
Carano doesn’t want to be with a feeble man that can’t take what she dishes out. You have to be able to stand toe-toe with her and prove that even though she’s the fighter, you are the Alpha Male.
Don’t be fooled by mainstream media, women are incredibly attracted to men that can cook.
Emeril Lagasse and Wolfgang Puck get tons of ladies and it’s not just because of their celebrity status and money… although that certainly has something to do with it.
You’ve proven to Carano that you’re one of the toughest hombres walking God’s green earth. Now, you just need to rock her world with a plate of pancakes.
Remember, if your pancakes fail, you fail.
All hope in making Carano fall in love with you rests in the pancakes.
It’s no secret that chicks love animals. Girls will usually go bonkers when their boyfriend buys them a cute little pet but, again, you have to be different.
Every woman on the face of the earth has a puppy or a kitty cat. You need to get Gina something that is truly one of a kind that will make her closer to loving you in ways you’ve previously thought to be impossible.
A kangaroo is the perfect choice. Not only is it something no other girl (in America) has but it would also prove to be a viable sparring partner for Carano.
Seriously, have you ever seen a kangaroo box before? They make Floyd Mayweather look like a 12-year-old girl with a retainer.
This is it, the final step in the 10-step plan to make Gina Carano fall head over heels in love with you.
If you cannot complete this task then you have essentially wasted your time as the nine other steps are useless without the completion of step 10.
Once you teach Carano how to dougie, she will be yours for the taking.
Just get right up in her grill and show her how you get down with your bad self. Just make sure to get the whole thing on video and put it on YouTube for everyone to see.