Jim Caldwell Fired: 5 Ridiculous Replacements for Ex-Colts Head Coach

Eitan Katz@@EitanKatzAnalyst IIJanuary 19, 2012

Jim Caldwell Fired: 5 Ridiculous Replacements for Ex-Colts Head Coach

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    Head coach Jim Caldwell was fired by the Indianapolis Colts yesterday after a disappointing 2-14 season.

    Caldwell wasn't the reason superstar quarterback Peyton Manning got injured, and he certainly wasn't the reason the Colts were so ill-prepared for a potential injury to Manning. However, Caldwell's quiet demeanor on the field (re: he blinks, on average, about five times per game) and overall lack of enthusiasm could be considered a weak point for a coach whose team needed an injection of passion during what was a pathetic, emotionless season.

    I'm not here to blame Caldwell for the 14 losses; I'm only here to present five replacements for a coach who had about as much personality as a loaf of bread.

    Caldwell did take the Colts to the Super Bowl back in 2009 and brought them back to the AFC Divisional game last season, but considering the results this year, it is pretty clear that it had a little more to do with Manning's mastery of the quarterback position than it did with Caldwell's coaching acumen.

    Without further ado, here are five ridiculous replacements for the Indianapolis Colts going into the 2012 season.

Joe Buck, Sports Announcer

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    I mean, seriously, Joe Buck?

    The Chicago Bears punt return team pulls off one of the most ingenious, magnificent trick-plays in football history, and this is how you react?

    Get a personality.

    Buck would fit perfectly onto the Indianapolis Colts sideline. All he would have to do is stand there and be bored/unexcited by everything going on around him, just like he is during his FOX television gig, and it would be as if Jim Caldwell never left.

A Bag of Rocks

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    This one might be a bit harsh, but really, would a bag of rocks have been any different from the stone figure that stood on the Indianapolis Colts sideline every Sunday?

    Listen, Caldwell really only made one big decision in his three years in Indy: Whether or not he should rest the starters for a playoff run, or play them and attempt to go for a perfect regular season back in 2009.

    He ended up resting them.

    In the playoffs, with Peyton Manning orchestrating the offense, the Colts were a few plays away from winning a Super Bowl over the New Orleans Saints.

    Replacing Caldwell with a bag of rocks during that postseason wouldn't have changed much; I promise you that.

A Bunny Rabbit That Doesn't Blink

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    Seriously, though, could you tell the difference?

    Caldwell is a notorious blank-starer (if that was a word, Caldwell's picture would be above it in the dictionary), and so is this bunny rabbit.

    If nothing else, it would be funny to see him/her/it holding a clipboard on the sidelines, shouting out play-calls to Peyton Manning.

Alfred, the Butler from the Batman Movies

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    Why, you may ask?

    Well, Butler Alfred is superb at taking orders, just like Jim Caldwell. 

    Let's be realistic—Coach Caldwell wasn't calling the plays on offense. That would be a mixture of Peyton Manning, who is basically a coach himself, and Tom Moore, who was Manning's offensive coordinator from 1998 (the year No. 18 was drafted) until 2010.

    Caldwell may have made the decisions on defense, but whatever calls he did make were awful. The Colts ranked 18th, 20th and 25th, respectively, in Caldwell's three years in Indi.

    At least if he was Alfred the Butler, he would have sweet spectacles and an awesome British accent.

A Toilet

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    If this isn't considered "taking a dump" on your head coach, I don't know what is.

    I mean, would you ever, in a million years, see Tom Brady react to a Bill Belichick time-out call like this? Peyton Manning, by shrugging his shoulders in disbelief, is basically calling his coach an idiot in front of his entire team.

    In this day and age, where every little thing is caught on camera, a guy as media-savvy as Manning had to have known that he was being recorded.

    Despite that, Manning shrugged and continued to look shocked even as a cameraman shoved a camera right in his face.

    If Manning is just going to crap on his coach, why not just replace his coach with a toilet?

    And to keep his star quarterback happy, Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay should splurge and buy one of those super cool golden toilets that cleans itself and wipes your butt for you.