Calling All College Football Losers! Cut the Excuses and Try These on for Size

1. “We got the tar beat out of us!”

Evidently this came from some scientist that discovered that we all have at least 10 percent tar in our chemical make-up. It must be vital to our health because people make such a fuss when it gets beat out of them.

2. “We got skunked!”

If you have ever had a skunk splattered on the road if front of your house you need no explanation of this at all. Suffice it to say that it stinks the entire place up for quite some time. It produces an odor that’s hard to get rid of. See our game against Florida for further illustration.

3. “We got smoked!”

For you left-coast people, getting smoked has nothing to do with lighting up the funny weed, it’s more like what’s left after the bomb goes off. All that’s left is the smoke and the crater to climb out of.

4. “We got a butt-whuppin’!”

If you don’t know the difference between a “whippin” and a “whuppin” you are probably from above the Mason-Dixon line and never learned the fine art of expressing pain. It’s basically the difference between an in-grown toenail and open-heart surgery.

5. “We got our clock cleaned!”

You don’t clean a clock with a hammer and chisel. This means a very meticulous dismantling and a piece by piece exposure of our flaws. It’s slow and it’s humiliating!

6. “We got our rear-end hiked!”

This has nothing to do with going on a stroll through the woods on a Boy Scout outing. This kind of hike is when you get kicked by the opposing team so hard that your rump in relocated somewhere between the base of the neck and the shoulder-blades. It is painful, but makes it much harder for someone to steal your wallet.

7. “We got taken to the woodshed!”

In the old days, every southern house had a front porch and a woodshed. Sitting on the front porch was like heaven, but being taken to the woodshed was like…well, you get the idea.

8. “We got our lunch ate!”

This is the shock of having the lunchroom bully take your chair and clean your plate. You sit there listening to your stomach growling as he struts off. (If I had ever let this happen my Pop would’ve “whupped” me when I got home.)

9. “We were demonstrably and decisively devastated!”

This is for you upper-echelon sissies that don’t like colloquial slang. This means that your tea cup was more than just chipped—it was crushed.

10. “We got debuttitated!”

I thought I would revive one of my linguistic creations. It is the same as being decapitated, except it applies to the other end. It’s the only thing worse that a butt-whuppin’!

The next time your team loses, use one of these expressions to gain the respect of those who are waiting to see how you handle defeat. It’s better than losing face with excuses.

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