The 10 Funniest Colin Cowherd Rants Ever
SportsNation cohost and ESPN radio personality Colin Cowherd is known for his rants, demonstrative opinions and occasional fan bashing. He spares no one. The NBA, NFL, Canada, Starbucks and others all get their turn.
Whether or not you care for Cowherd (I'm personally a big fan of his radio show), you can enjoy his euphemisms, analogies and various reasoning for why he sticks to a certain opinion.
Certain things seem to eat away and get under the skin of Mr. Cowherd, and filling up a three-hour radio show gives him plenty of time to get them off his chest. Unfortunately, there are not clips of some of his truly greatest rants, but these more than suffice.
I hope you enjoy the bashing because I sure enjoyed writing this piece.
USA vs. Mexico Telemundo Rant
"We wear backpacks. We are cultured."
Colin Cowherd goes off on NBC and soccer fans alike for conning him into watching an anticipated match. After trying to watch the USA-Mexico game the night before, Cowherd goes off about the game only being televised in Spanish on Telemundo.
You have to admit, the man has a point. If soccer is to grow in this country, how do you expect the casual or new fan to watch the game if it's only found on Telemundo?
As a huge soccer fanatic myself, I'm not sure where he comes up with his typical soccer persona. I do not speak with a pompous French accent...
Lou Piniella Rant
Former Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella seemed to be escaping criticism, and Colin Cowherd needed to address the issue like only he can.
Piniella garnered almost a quarter of the votes in an MLB-wide poll in which players voted Piniella the least-liked manager.
Cowherd then touches on the hubris that people inside MLB and baseball purists showcase when talking about their sport:
Is baseball so sophisticated that only a few Aristotle, Socrates-level geniuses (are) able to really sit in the dugout and make all these calculated moves? ... Is baseball so complex that only Stephen Hawking-level geniuses can manage the complexity? ... The double switch—good hell that's complicated!
Brad Childress' Naivete Rant
Back when Brett Favre retired every other weekend, Brad Childress and the Minnesota Vikings were trying to coax the future Hall of Fame quarterback from his home in Mississippi. Mr. Colin Cowherd wanted to bring Childress up to speed with the inner workings of the NFL and being a head coach.
Being a semi-company man, Cowherd sticks up for his fellow colleague Ed Werder and the reports he made about the situation:
I'm not blaming Chapstick and Boondoggle in the mornings on KFAN...but Ed Werder bats .900. ... You (Childress) already look like an orthodontist—you'll be one.
Again, Cowherd does have a point. Childress could pass as a dentist or orthodontist on the street. Bald, mustache and glasses all fit the profile.
Possibly his best rant, that I wholeheartedly agree with.
Southwest Airlines changed a rule for its flights that allowed passengers to bring their pets onto flights. Naturally, this led to Colin Cowherd stating his displeasure with the rule changes and why pets can be "tedious":
Your pictures and your pets. Pictures I don't need to see. Your kids are unattractive, and your animals are obnoxious.
Is there anything worse than walking into somebody's house and a dog jumps up on you?
No, Colin, there's nothing I can think of. Getting mauled by someone's pet that they love—and you don't— as soon as you walk in the door could quite possibly get them banned from your next mixer.
I think I just might implement that rule.
The smaller dogs are worse than the big ones in my opinion.
LeBron James Is the Cleveland Cavaliers Rant
The Cleveland Cavaliers were a one-man team when LeBron James played in Ohio. Since then, anyone who tricked themselves into thinking otherwise during those days has seen the light.
One of the people flashing the floodlight towards delusional Cleveland fans was none other than Colin Cowherd:
The Cavs are a one-man team. They are completely unspectacular with one spectacular superstar player. Breakfast, lunch, dinner served, Cav fans. Not even you can argue it anymore. ... Cav fan, go back to your cave. It's a one-man team.
Point proven. Cleveland is back to being irrelevant in the big picture of the NBA.
Just some good old-fashioned, lighthearted bashing of Canada. Our neighbors to the north (commonly known as "America's hat") love hockey, maple syrup and curling.
Colin Cowherd quotes an email here, but seems to have no objections about our hockey loving neighbors.
Here's another fact about Canada...a hundred percent of Canadians live within 60 feet of the US border so they can steal our television signals. It's the real reason we're changing to analog. Screw those puck-slapping maple suckers.
He's not anti-Canadian, but he doesn't mind taking a stab at Canada. Honestly, who doesn't make a Canada joke every once in awhile?
Although, I will say, Canada is awesome during the summer... The entire two months it lasts.
Cowboys Fans Rant
Everything Colin Cowherd says in this video has been proven to be true by academic researchers.
Dallas Cowboy fans should heed his advice. Enough said.
Kevin Durant Can't Bench 185 Pounds Rant
The pre-NBA draft statistics were leaked after a combine workout in Orlando. After seeing that Kevin Durant remained the only participant unable to bench 185 pounds, Colin Cowherd lost it.
Cowherd then went off about how strength in sports dictates who will succeed in their sport. His praise for Greg Oden testing off the charts has since been proven wrong by Durant.
Sometimes it's not all about the numbers and more about the eyeball test. However, it's comical to think an NBA player couldn't bench a non-imposing 185 pounds.
A few scoring titles later has since proved Durant's more than strong enough to shoot a sweet jumper.
John Wall Doing the "Dougie"
Former University of Kentucky point guard and No. 1 overall pick John Wall came into the NBA with a ton of hype. Since then, Wall has slid back into the shadows and has yet to really do a whole lot for the Washington Wizards.
Colin Cowherd explains why Wall's antics and character should be questioned after a pregame dance:
He spent 34 seconds doing the "Dougie." That tells me all I need to know about "J-Wow." Then he opened his mouth later and confirmed it. Not a sharp guy—all about him.
Cowherd, again, gives a life lesson when comparing Rajon Rondo to John Wall.
Starbucks Guy Rant
Colin Cowherd has an aversion to certain personalities and groups of people. He begins a harangue on why people who sit in Starbucks and describes the "Starbucks guy" profile:
If you know personally several Starbucks employees or your social calendar includes "hanging at Starbucks"...you're a loser. I mean, get a life. Quit pretending you're an intellectual because you read books at Starbucks.
Having worked for the coffee giant for a three-month stint in high school, I couldn't agree more. The people who want to be seen at Starbucks and sit there for hours on end without truly being productive should be ostracized from your inner circle if you're over the age of 21.
I 100 percent agree with Cowherd on this one.
Justin Sparks is a Bleacher Report Featured Columnist. Follow him on Twitter @JustinSparks22.