Tennessee Titans coach Jeff Fisher is ready to return to an NFL that has somehow managed to survive without him. The St. Louis Rams and Miami Dolphins, two teams in need of help, seem to be the top teams vying for Fisher's attention. Fisher has historically been known as a coach who kind of goes by his own handbook when coaching, a sense of entitlement that probably comes from coaching for almost two decades at the same franchise.
We here at The Go Route have imagined what Fisher's list of demands might look like, complete with cut-out magazine letters and smeared glue. Usually it's people holding hostages that do this type of thing, but playing two teams against each other is similar to that.
Here it is:
I'm Jeff Fisher. You may remember me from kicking your ass at various points during the past 20 years. If you want me as the Supreme Leader of your football team, I need a few things:
- NO VINCE YOUNG.
- NO RANDY MOSS.
- Make sure both of people listed above are not within 1,000 feet of anywhere I am at all times.
- $500 in unmarked bills.
- My own private investigation team.
- Jerseys of Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees and Tom Brady. This is a self-esteem thing.
- Moustache grooming kit.
- A quarterback who can throw a football without looking like his elbow is taped to his back.
- No "hotshots" or "superstars" or "malcontents" or "demons."
- All wide receivers need to be dehumanized before training camp. This is your responsibility.
- A kicker with a robot leg. (Editors Note: We assume he means this)
- My own Brookstone.
- Polo shirts.
- Lots of polo shirts.
- Bowl of M&M's at every game located by the Gatorade. NO BLUE ONES OR I QUIT ON THE SPOT.
- An owner with normal mental capabilities.
- Tickets to a Taylor Swift concert.
- Have someone explain to me what the bright thing was illuminating from Chris Johnson's mouth.
- Escape helicopter.
Well! Hope you got all that, Miami and St. Louis, because I know I didn't. Enjoy going 8-8 next season!