Craziest San Francisco Giants Rumors of the Offseason

Jason HooverCorrespondent IJanuary 10, 2012

Craziest San Francisco Giants Rumors of the Offseason

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    Like a high school locker room on prom weekend, the baseball rumor mill has a unique way of churning out gossip and down right false information.

    Oh god, Brianna! I hear Matty's going to the dance with Josie!

    Oftentimes these rumors are generated by third-party teams to test the general interest and market of another team. In essence, seeing if a team is willing to trade a player without commenting on trading your own player.

    Oh no, I wouldn't go to prom with Princess even if she did break up with Brewster... Why? Did you hear they are breaking up?

    Then there are the terrifying rumored deals you hear your home team discussing that you just know are too awful NOT to be true.

    Oh heavens, TImmy's dad is going to send him to Toronto to be home schooled while his cousin Alexis moves in.

    Here are some of this year's craziest San Francisco Giants offseason rumors.

    ...Kudos to you if you can decode the high school trade talk.


Giants Bidding on Free Agent Jose Reyes

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    Jose Reyes signed a six-year, $106 million  contract with the Miami Marlins. There was talk of the Giants being players in the bidding for Reyes. Which made sense, considering their need for not only a shortstop but also a quality lead-off hitter.

    Sadly, for Giants fans, the team never really had the intention or the money to pursue Reyes. His $106 million contract came in at about $102 million more than the Giants had to spend.

    Jeremy Affeldt got the $4 million they found under the couch cushion.

    Side note: I just learned that Affeldt's season-ending injury was from nerve damage he got while separating two frozen hamburger patties..

Alex Gonzalez

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    File this one under: It made so much sense fans were just resigned to believing it.

    The Giants have been a last stop for the aging MLB shortstop for some time now.

    Vizquel, Renteria, Aurila, Uribe, Tejada, Cabrera, Garciaparra...

    Made you do a double take didn't it? But can you honestly say the Giants wouldn't pursue him? Even today...

    The Alex Gonzalez rumor just made sense. Of course that was who the Giants were targeting as their opening day shortstop. Of course they wouldn't let Brandon Crawford play full-time. Of course Gonzalez would hit for .217 and make me smash beer bottles on the wall while making endless Un-Speedy Gonzalez jokes.

    Thankful this one was too good to be true 

Matt Cain to to the Yankess

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    Like the vacuum cleaner of the major leagues, the Yankees are able to suck up talent whenever they please. Yankees General Manager Brain Cashman is able to simply throw dollar after dollar at player until they inevitably acquiesce. 

    That's a vacuum and a stripper reference in one lead for those of you keeping score at home.

    The Giants have every intention of re-signing Matt Cain. However, that didn't stop the rumor mill from churning out this dandy of a rumor.

     

    Chance of Rumor Accuracy: Two percent

Eli Whiteside Actually a Billy Goat

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    This rumor is courtesy of my five-year-old nephew Tyler, who couldn't stop giggling over the idea and eventually laughed himself into a nap. 

    It was believed Whiteside would be non-tendered by the Giants and then move on to another team, perhaps opening up a roster spot for suave young catcher Hector Sanchez. However, in a surprise move, the Giants re-signed Whiteside to a one-year deal at $600,000.

    Though it would be funny to spread this rumor then trade him to the Cubs.

     

    Chance of Rumor Accuracy: Have you ever seen Eli climb the side the of a mountain?

Tim Lincecum for Alex Rios

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    No, it didn't happen this year. But this one is in here as a reminder. Before he was a two-time Cy Young Award winner, Tim Lincecum was a hard-throwing, diminutive and possibly injury-prone trade piece. 

    The Giants actually kicked the tires, as they are fond of saying, on a potential Lincecum-for-Rios swap. Rios was coming off a year in which he hit .297 with 24HR and 85RBI. It is absolutely insane to think about that now.

    But at the time, some less-than-stellar opinions thought it would be a good trade for the Giants.

     

    Chance of Rumor Accuracy: 100%