In late 2011, the fifth annual Zillow Celebrity Neighbor Survey named Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow the most desirable celebrity neighbor. Considering the people that rounded out the top seven with him, this all sounds like a much bigger honor than it actually is.
Tebow narrowly edged out unlikable villains like Jennifer Lopez, Kim Kardashian and Nancy Grace as the celebrity people would most like to see move in next door. Proving how truly divided we are as a nation, Kardashian and Grace also topped the list of the least desirable celebrity neighbors.
Can you honestly believe that there are people all around you that find the idea of living next to Nancy Grace appealing? And not just kind of appealing—like the most appealing of every single living celebrity in the entire country. That's pretty disturbing stuff.
So who are the Charlie Sheens, Lindsay Lohans, Anthony Weiners and Nancy Graces in the world of professional sports? Who are the crazies, the junkies, the creepers and the shrill unlikeable zealots in sports that would f–– your world up if they moved in next door?
Here are 20 athletes that most of us wouldn't want to live next to.
NFL free-agent kicker Jeff Reed is known for being kind of a douche—actually, he's known for being a monster douche. And since he's currently unemployed, he's free to be a full-time douche who dedicates his life to tanning, spiking his hair, binge drinking and scamming on Hooters waitresses.
You're working late, would he feed your dog?: Reed is a friendly bro, so he would most definitely feed Scooby for you. Just be sure to remind him that Scooby (your theoretical dog) doesn't live on Miller Lite and bong rips, like he does.
He'd be a good neighbor if: You're a frat boy, a cast member of the Jersey Shore or a single bro who is looking for another single bro to be bros with.
Former NHL player Matthew Barnaby retired in 2007, and has since found himself in trouble with the law on more than one occasion. In August 2010, Barnaby was arrested on suspicion of domestic assault after an altercation with his ex-wife.
He was romantically linked to ESPN's Michelle Beadle a few months later. In May 2011, Barnaby was arrested in Buffalo on several charges including second-degree criminal contempt, harassment, second-degree criminal trespassing and second-degree criminal mischief.
Then in December 2011, Barnaby was again arrested in Buffalo, this time on "suspicion" of DUI. Police responded to a report of an SUV driving erratically with only three tires. It turned out to be Barnaby, who failed multiple field sobriety tests before refusing a breath test. He was fired from ESPN shortly thereafter.
You're working late, would he feed your dog?: Well, he's unemployed, which means he'd probably be around if you need him to feed Jeezy and Magnum...so that's a good thing.
He'd be a good neighbor if: Your idea of a perfect night is drinking, fighting, drinking some more and then going on a leisurely drive.
In March 2011, Philadelphia Eagles offensive tackle Jason Peters was arrested in Shreveport, Louisiana after resisting an officer who insisted he turned down the music in his car. Peters was in town for a performance as a guest of rapper Rick Ross who, incidentally, was arrested the very same night.
You're working late, would he feed your dog?: Except for this minor brush with the law, Peters' biggest crime was some unpleasant contract negotiations, which means that he'd probably be more than happy to stop by and feed Pickles for you.
He'd be a good neighbor if: You like football, rap music and indulging in the occasional offseason blunt. Might not be everyone's cup of tea, but Peters is welcome to move in next to me!
GQ magazine named Michael Iaconelli one of the 10 most hated athletes—referring him to as "America's biggest basshole." Basically this guy seems exactly like "The Situation" from Jersey Shore if The Situation's talent was fishing instead of spreading STDs to girls with low self-esteem.
One of Ianconelli's fishing rivals described his typical reaction after catching a fish to GQ: "When he catches one, you've got the fist pumps, the running around the boat, the lying flat on the boat. He'll stare at the fish, yell at it, point at it. He'll shake his finger at it."
You're working late, would he feed your dog?: He might not feed Cooper for you, but he'd probably get your underage sister drunk and try to take advantage of her.
He'd be a good neighbor if: You are a douchemonster who enjoys the company of other douchemonsters.
In February 2011, Minnesota Vikings defensive end Everson Griffen was arrested by the LAPD twice in three days. His first arrest for public intoxication was relatively uneventful and he was released the following morning. Griffen made sure his encore performance was worth the price of admission.
The next night he was pulled over on a routine traffic stop and the officer discovered his license wasn't valid. Griffen attempted to flee the scene on foot, but the officers were able to bring him down with a taser, and he was eventually subdued and arrested.
You're working late, would he feed your dog?: Griffen would gladly feed Fonzi as repayment for all the rides he bums from you, just make sure it's not too late.
He'd be a good neighbor if: You don't mind people with suspended licenses bumming rides.
Let me start by saying that I mean no disrespect to Philip Rivers or his Catholic faith; I love his intensity on the field, but he brings that same intensity to his life off the field. First of all, Rivers and his wife have five children, and judging by his stance on birth control, there are certainly more on the way.
And then there's the fact that in interviews, Rivers says things like, "Bad company corrupts good morals." That actually sounds reasonable enough, until you realize that he probably means it in the way that John Lithgow meant it in Footlose.
You're working late, would he feed your dog?: Even if you were on the bad side of the Rivers' clan (and you know you would be), he would probably be willing to send over one of the kids to feed poor little Pretzel.
He'd be a good neighbor if: You are a gainfully-employed, churchgoing family man who goes to bed at a reasonable hour, enjoys alcohol-free cookouts and staying in to watch G-rated movies with the kids.
Mike Tyson deserves a lot of credit for cleaning up his act in recent years, because he was one frightening dude. Tyson has done some bad things, said some scary things and has served a few years in the klink, yet he's managed to finally convince me that he won't actually eat someone's children.
Sure that face tattoo was a step back, but mistakes happen. Tyson has rebuilt his image and his life and found a renewed passion to live for: pigeons.
Yep, pigeons. Tyson breeds them, houses them and races them.
Imagine being the poor unsuspecting family that just bought their dream home in the suburbs. They go over to meet their new neighbor and Mike Tyson and his face tattoo answer the door…and then he invites them in for tea and takes them on a tour of his backyard pigeon coop that houses 20,000 birds.
You're working late, would he feed your dog?: Personally, I think The Champ would be there for you in a pinch and would be more than happy to tend to Grizz and DotCom for you.
He'd be a good neighbor if: You're really into face tattoos and pigeons. I imagine that's a small pool of people.
Former MLB pitcher Kris Benson and his wife Anna, an ex-stripper he met at an Atlanta strip club, have a combustible relationship. In 2005, Anna promised that if Kris ever cheated on her, she'd get even with him by sleeping with every one of his teammates.
Which is why it was no surprise when Anna filed for divorce in 2006, citing an "irretrievably broken" marriage. Apparently she was just being dramatic because she withdrew the petition within weeks.
You're working late, would they feed your dog?: Well, Anna does have a vast collection of skinned animals carcasses, but Kris would probably prevent her from going Cruella de Vil on Astro and Atari.
They'd be a good neighbors if: You would enjoy being the pawn in the sick sexual games of a retired baseball player and a mentally unstable ex-stripper with a foul mouth who loves to gamble.
Arizona Cardinals defensive end Darnell Dockett is actually pretty entertaining. In May 2010, Dockett said he was offered $1000 to shower live on UStream...so he showered live on UStream. In June 2011, Dockett was pulled over for a traffic violation and he provided a hilarious play-by-play via Twitter.
Overall, Dockett might actually be a pretty cool neighbor…if he didn't have an alligator. But he does, in fact, have an alligator. Nino the alligator.
You're working late, would he feed your dog?: Dockett seems like a nice guy, and clearly he's an animal person. He might be willing to do you a solid, but unless you're sure Snickers could hold his own against Nino, you might want to reconsider asking.
He'd be a good neighbor if: You are comfortable with full-frontal male nudity and actually like the idea of running into an angry alligator on your way to grab the mail.
Remember everything I just said about Darnell Dockett? Well, aside from the Internet peepshow, most of that still applies—just replace "alligator" with "tiger."
PGA golfer John Daly is known for his boozing, bad temper and vast collection of painfully ugly pants. In October 2008, an extremely intoxicated Daly was arrested at a North Carolina Hooters after he passed out in the restaurant.
Initially, paramedics were called to the scene, but when he refused to go to the hospital, police intervened. Daly was held in a 24-hour detox and the incident resulted in a six-month suspension by the PGA.
According to Daly's ex-wife Sherrie, that's just an average day in the life of the flamboyant golfer. The details she revealed about prostitutes, strippers, binge drinking and public urination in her tell-all book are salacious enough to make Tiger Woods blush.
You're working late, would he feed your dog?: Daly seems like a nice enough guy that he would agree to stop by and feed Snoopy and Prickly Pete, but you run the risk that he'd completely forget...or just decide to stay and put a dent in your liquor cabinet.
He'd be a good neighbor if: You're into smoking, drinking, breaking things, brawling and you're not frightened by the thought of waking up to a naked John Daly passed out on your kitchen floor because he came home to the wrong house (again).
Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison is arguably the most feared player in the NFL—you know Rodger Goodell wouldn't want to run into him in a dark alley. Harrison's penchant for knocking people senseless aside, he's had a few off-the-field incidents that suggest he might not make an ideal neighbor.
In 2008, Harrison was arrested and charged with simple assault and criminal mischief after an altercation with his girlfriend. In 2009, Harrison's son was attacked by the family Pit bull. The injury was serious, but not life-threatening.
Then in 2011, Harrison appeared on the cover of Men's Journal looking fairly menacing and modeling his guns.
You're working late, would he feed your dog?: After his son was attacked, Harrison gave up his dog (Patron) immediately, but he made an impassioned plea on behalf of the animal which ultimately saved him from being euthanized.
That suggests that he's an animal lover who, assuming you're not Rodger Goodell, would be willing to check in on Wallace and Diesel for you every now and again.
He'd be a good neighbor if: You aren't easily intimidated, fervently anti-gun or Rodger Goodell.
Being a gun owner does not automatically make someone a bad neighbor—many gun owners are reasonable and responsible people. New Orleans Hornets center Chris Kaman definitely crosses the line from a reasonable gun owner to a stockpiler of artillery with questionable sanity.
In May 2011, Kaman "joked" on Twitter that he added a number of new guns to his arsenal before the Rapture. He tweeted, "Just incase anything fishy happens tomorrow I bough a few more guns."
If Kaman's extensive collection of firearms didn't bother you, his 4th of July celebration probably would. Kaman's got a thing for fireworks and in July 2010, he exploded $10,000 worth of them on his front lawn.
You're working late, would he feed your dog?: People like this don't always value animals as "pets" or welcome them as members of the family. It's advisable that you find a dog walker if you don't want Sparkles to end up mounted on a wall.
He'd be a good neighbor if: If you're a mentally unhinged survivalist who enjoys explosions and preparing for the Apocalypse.
Tampa Bay Bucs defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth is an awful football player and an even more awful human being. There's not a reason to think he wouldn't be just as awful a neighbor. He's known to be lazy, unusually aggressive and disrespectful to women.
While playing in Tennessee, Haynesworth was involved in a number of traffic incidents, including an accident that left another driver paralyzed—he was driving his Ferrari in excess of 100 mph. After signing with the Redskins, Haynesworth was involved in a number of scrapes with the law, including an assault charge that stemmed from a road rage incident on a Virginia highway.
You're working late, would he feed your dog?: This is how I imagine he would respond to your inquiry: "Hell no. F**k you and f**k your dog, too." Keep Jingles and Jinxy far away from Haynesworth.
He'd be a good neighbor if: You're a masochist who enjoys the presence of unstable lunatics while living under the constant threat of being run over by a speeding Ferrari.
Queens Park Rangers midfielder Joey Barton gives soccer hooligans a bad name. He's been arrested for assault and/or inciting violence on countless occasions, but has managed stay out of jail for the most part; only serving a total of 77 days. Barton's brother is serving a life sentence for his role in a racially motivated murder in 2005.
Barton isn't just a goon with a short fuse, he's also a hipster douche. He named his race horse after an Arctic Monkeys song, he's friends with mentally unstable singer Noel Gallagher and he often tweets quotes by Friedrich Nietzche or Morrissey to his nearly one million Twitter followers.
You're working late, would he feed your dog?: Sure, he'd feed Spike and Titan...right before he trashes your house and lights a fire on his way out.
He'd be a good neighbor if: You've got brass balls, brass knuckles and a death wish.
In November 2011, Oakland Raiders linebacker Rolando McClain was arrested for assault, discharging a firearm, menacing and reckless engagement, in his hometown of Decatur, Alabama. McClain was picked up in the morning after reported involvement in an altercation the night before.
This photo was taken during the arrest. He looks pretty friendly for a guy who (allegedly) held a gun to a man's head, demanded that he beg for his life and then fired the gun next to victim's ear.
You're working late, would he feed your dog?: Would you trust McClain alone in your home with Oreo? No...
He'd be a good neighbor if: You're a gun-toting sociopath who has been been looking for a worthy adversary.
First and foremost, you don't want Tonya Harding to be your neighbor because that means you're probably living in a nasty trailer park with creeps like Jeff Gillooly wandering around looking for kids to prey on.
You might think by looking at Harding, who dropped out of school in 10th grade, that she's got nothing left to live for, and you're probably right. But who's to say that would spare you from being the target of an ill-conceived plot by a gang of middle-aged junkies who've set their sites on stealing your identity and your and your 1991 Ford Tempo.
You're working late, would she feed your dog?: You live in a trailer, so you probably don't have a job—which means you can feed Boss Hog and Booger yourself.
She'd be a good neighbor if: Your hobbies include drinking Busch, shootin' the cans and daydreaming about starting your very own meth lab.
So yes, the good news is that O.J. Simpson is currently in jail, which means he won't be moving in next door for a while. The bad news is that O.J. is eligible for parole in 2017, which means "The Juice" could be loose within five years.
Without getting into the whole messy question of whether or not the former Heisman winner is a cold-blooded psychopath who bought his way out of a malicious double murder charge, it's probably a pretty safe assumption that nobody would be thrilled to see "The Juice" pull up outside their home in his U-Haul…just in case.
You're working late, would he feed your dog?: Would you ask him to come over and feed Ziggy and Peanut? Probably not.
He'd be a good neighbor if: You are a football fan who forgives easily, rarely scares, has a limited knowledge of history and were born after 1994.
New York Rangers winger Sean Avery is, quite simply, a jag.
Instead of a massive gun collection, man-eating dogs and collection of jalopies parked on his front lawn, Avery's got a massive attitude problem, a strangely aggressive personality and a collection of Eurotrash friends that gather at his home every weekend to get loaded and blast European club music until dawn.
That makes O.J. Simpson moving in next door sound a lot better, doesn't it?
You're working late, would he feed your dog?: Absolutely not. Avery wouldn't even give you his phone number to begin with. Skrilla and CashMoney are better off fending for themselves than tangling with Avery anyway.
He'd be a good neighbor if: You're an effeminate, yet confrontational jag who likes shopping and beating people up.
Arizona Cardinals linebacker Joey Porter has been involved in a fair number of unpleasant incidents that you'd probably rather not have to deal with firsthand. In March 2010, Porter was arrested in Bakersfield, California, for driving under the influence, battery on a peace officer and resisting arrest.
Honestly, what he does to police on his own time is really of no concern to his neighbors—that's between him and the police. But in September 2006, while playing for the Pittsburgh Steelers, Porter was involved in a much more gruesome incident that hit closer to his neighbors. The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported that Porter's dogs, a pit bull and a mastiff, got loose from his home and mauled a miniature horse to death a a nearby farm.
It wasn't the first time the dogs had gotten loose, and apparently it wasn't the last. In July 2011, his dogs got loose again at his home in Bakersfield and killed a neighbor's dog. Porter was cited for not having the dogs on a leash and appeared to be upset about the incident.
You're working late, would he feed your dog?: Would he feed your dog to his dogs? Absolutely! His pit bull, Murder, and his mastiff, Double Homicide, would be happy to eat your dogs.
He'd be a good neighbor if: You enjoy drinking, resisting arrest and witnessing the violent slaughter of beloved family pets.