6 Reasons NFL Needs a Skills Competition with Pro Bowl

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Does the Pro Bowl matter?

Even with the increase in television ratings last year, the game doesn't appear to carry any significance, at least to the players.

Sure, the players want to be voted to the Pro Bowl—since many get bonuses for being selected—but few of them actually want to play in the game for fear of a sustaining a career-ending injury in a meaningless game.

For example, when was the last time Tom Brady played in a Pro Bowl?

This year's Pro Bowl looks to be the Year of the Alternate Quarterback, as Brady, Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees and Ben Roethlisberger will probably be out due to injury or more important obligations (i.e., playing in the Super Bowl).

So, we are left with Philip Rivers (seriously?), Eli Manning and whoever accepts the invitation (Tim Tebow, anyone?).

At this rate, Brett Favre will be asked to come out of retirement to play, which means that we will be inundated with 24/7 coverage from ESPN trying to ascertain the answer to the question—will Favre play for the AFC or the NFC?

But, I digress.

Since the NFL will never eliminate the Pro Bowl, a skills competition is needed leading up to the game.

Why?

I'm glad you asked.

To Determine the NFL's Fastest Man

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Who is the NFL's fastest man? 

Is it Mike Wallace of the Pittsburgh Steelers?

Maybe it's DeSean Jackson of the Philadelphia Eagles.

Honestly, it's not that complicated to figure out. Just like a playoff system would eliminate any doubt as to who is the best college football team in the nation, a head-to-head competition will quickly answer who is the NFL's fastest man.

Line them up and let them run a 100-yard dash at a skills competition. The mystery will be solved in an instant.

The winner gets to have a little symbol of Hermes next to his name during television broadcasts.

To add a twist to the competition, invite Usain Bolt. This way we can find out the true disparity between NFL speed and world-class speed.

To Figure Out the NFL's Fattest Man

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Why leave all the fun to league's sleek and nimble?

Get the guys with the big appetites and the even bigger bellies into the action.

Let us find out if Vince Wilfork or B.J. Raji is fatter.

Granted, fatness isn't a true football skill, but determining it rates high on the carnival value.

The players will be measured for body weight and percent body fat, which will give us a true measure of a player's rotundness.

The biggest tub-o'-goo with the highest overall score gets the prize—a lifetime supply of Lipitor, and his first quadruple bypass surgery done for free by the best heart surgeons at the Mayo Clinic.

To See Who Has the NFL's Strongest Leg

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No more hearsay on how far a field goal kicker's range is. Put them all out on a field and let them kick away.

Can Sebastian Janikowski really kick a 75-yard field goal? Here's his chance to prove it—right after he finishes the NFL's Fattest Man competition.

To Put to Rest the "Genius" Title for NFL Coaches

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Bill Belichick is a genius.

I hear this statement constantly.

Okay, let's get Mensa to issue its test to all 32 NFL coaches—or maybe just the ones that still have a job at the end of the season.

All scores will be made public so that we will find out if coaches like Belichick are truly geniuses.

Conversely, we will also see who rates slightly above plankton on the intelligence scale.

To Gauge the NFL's Strongest Arm

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I keep hearing that Jay Cutler has a canon for an arm. If he can stay healthy long enough, get him out there.

One the flip side, we will get a better idea how weak Mark Sanchez's arm really is.

Distance and speed will be the two categories to determine arm strength—we don't care about no stinkin' accuracy in this competition.

To Ogle (I Mean Appreciate) the NFL's Most Talented Cheerleading Squad

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Cheerleaders are part of the team, right?

High school and college squads compete head-to-head, therefore the NFL should have a competition among its sideline beauties.

This way we can determine whether the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have real dance talent or are just eye candy for ogling—not that there is anything wrong with being eye candy for ogling.