Anaheim Ducks New Year's Resolutions

Bobby RussellCorrespondent IJanuary 2, 2009

The above photograph is a great illustration of the Anaheim Ducks' season up to this point. Through 40 games, the Ducks have been shoved aside by weak opposition, and it's truly a miracle that they're still clinging to a playoff spot.

If they lose to the Coyotes on Sunday, there's a chance that the Ducks will fall to ninth place. That would be a true indicator of where the team stands—maybe not talent-wise, but certainly in terms of dedication and preparation.

Now that you've heard my post-Christmas rant, the Ducks' Grinch presents some New Year's Resolutions that, if followed, will improve the team's chances of accomplishing something meaningful this season.


Anaheim Ducks New Year's Resolutions:

Ryan Getzlaf - To take a trip to a hardware store and buy three rolls of duct tape, so somebody can seal my mouth shut before I start whining about another obvious penalty.

Chris Pronger - To banish the word "certainly" from my vocabulary, because certainly some people have noticed that I use it 30 times in every interview.

Chris Kunitz - To discover a second and third dimension, because body checking is the only thing I seem to care about right now.

Bobby Ryan - To score a goal every time Chris Kunitz comes off the ice, because eventually Coach Carlyle will need to realize that I am the one who belongs on the first line.

Teemu Selanne - To avoid sharp objects and to remember how to score when the other team has five players on the ice.

Travis Moen - To learn Swedish so I can tell Pahlsson to stop missing assignments.

Samuel Pahlsson - To learn English so I can tell Moen that he misses even more assignments than I do.

Rob Niedermayer - To keep a bottle of hot water on the bench, because one of these days I will be checked from behind and my tongue will stick to the ice.

Scott Niedermayer - To start playing like I care.

Steve Montador
- To avoid sending my kids to my old youth hockey coach—because he forgot to teach me to avoid skating the puck down the middle when leaving the defensive zone.

Corey Perry - To get more sleep, improve my diet, and bring my A-game to the rink every day.

Brendan Morrison - To develop some courage and to stop being paranoid, because my knee is perfectly fine and will not tear if I skate into a crowded area.

Ryan Carter - To ensure that the photographers' partitions are tightly sealed before the start of every period.

Todd Marchant - To appreciate all the money I'm being paid to kill penalties and miss breakaway opportunities.

Francois Beachemin - To sign an extension, because what else is there to do right now?

George Parros - To stick with whatever skating exercises I did over the summer, because they worked.

Jonas Hiller - To stay square to the shooter, instead of leaning forward and exposing the top half of the net. And to improve my timing, be more precise, and to not have so many holes like Swiss cheese (Okay then, let's play some hockey).

J.S. Giguere - To out-play Jonas Hiller, because I have better technique, more skill, and about five million more dollars.

Kent Huskins - To start playing like I'm 6-foot-4; otherwise, there's a nice cozy locker awaiting me in Iowa.

Brendan Mikkelson - To play well enough to convince the coaching staff that I deserve to take Kent Huskins' job. That won't be very hard to do.

Brett Festerling - A few more assists would be nice.

Bret Hedican - To accept the fact that Brett Festerling spells his first name the correct way.

Andrew Ebbett - To hit the gym and gain a few pounds...or even better, more than a few.

Brad Larsen - To remember that I now play for the Anaheim Ducks, because I haven't seen the ice or even practiced with the team yet.

Brad May - To retire.


Bobby Russell is the Community Leader for the Anaheim Ducks on Bleacher Report. You can contact him, make fun of him for living in a warm climate, or add him to your lineup by going to his profile.