Comparing Each NFL Team to a 2011 Movie
As 2011 is coming to a close, why not honor two of the most significant parts of American business in one slideshow—film and football.
Here I am comparing each NFL team to a movie that came out this past year. This is easy enough considering I see a ton of movies in theaters (I am seeing three this weekend).
Here's wishing you had a great year and have an even better one coming up.
The Arizona Cardinals: The Sitter
When Mommy has to leave (meaning Warner) then this guy has to be brought in (Kolb) who really doesn't know what the heck he's doing. Let's just hope he doesn't accidentally kill us all.
The Atlanta Falcons: Thor
For some reason, everyone seems to think it's good and worthwhile watching. But overall, it's just sloppy and not worth getting high hopes for.
The Baltimore Ravens: One Day
The Ravens don't have trouble winning in the regular season, which they do year in and year out; they just can't seem to do anything in the postseason.
Maybe one day they will make the Superbowl...
The Buffalo Bills: We Need to Talk About Kevin
The Bills are like Kevin. They seemed like they were going to be something very unique and surprisingly adequate, but as time progressed, they just became awful and extremely haunting.
The Carolina Panthers: I Don't Know How She Does It
I feel like comparing Sarah Jessica Parker to anyone makes me seem quite evil, but I only am doing this because of the title. I don't think anyone knows how Cam Newton can be so good in his rookie year, and to exceed number one pick expectations like Newton is doing is downright befuddling.
The Chicago Bears: Cowboys & Aliens
The Cincinnati Bengals: Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer
It looks like a summer with no football activity didn't keep the Bengals from somehow becoming one of the league's best. For them it truly was a "not bummer summer."
Please note: I am in no way implying that this film is good. It really is an awful movie. Even your kids would cry halfway through because of how awful it is.
The Cleveland Browns: Shame
This organization is a real shame. Poor decisions have led to a lot of guilt. Plus, like the movie, they really don't have any big names.
The Dallas Cowboys: Moneyball
The Cowboys took little-known players (such as DeMarco Murray, Sean Lee and Laurent Robinson) and turned them into incredible performers, while carving their team into a playoff contender.
The Denver Broncos: Captain America: The First Avenger
When all hope seemed to be lost, one young man came storming in to save everyone and bring hope to the world. Or some such nonsense.
The Detroit Lions: Transformers: Dark of the Moon
The Green Bay Packers: The Descendants
Okay, we all knew that they would be good, but whoever would've guessed that they would be this astounding? Easily the best of the year, worth watching over and over again.
The Houston Texans: The Smurfs
The Smurfs made a lot of money, but came out when no good movies were playing.
The Texans won their division, but there was no real competition to stop them from doing so.
When it all boils down to it, no matter what the numbers say, neither the Smurfs nor the Texans are really that good.
Sort of a lesser-man's Avatar.
The Indianapolis Colts: Everything Must Go
Clear everyone out—the coaching staff, the players, everything. One small incident and they basically gave up on everything.
However, like in the movie, they may have a young black kid coming in to help soon! (Robert Griffin.)
Don't get offended, I was only stating facts.
The Jacksonville Jaguars: Horrible Bosses
The worst front office in the league. Period.
The Kansas City Chiefs: The Tree of Life
We thought it would be good, but it just turned out to be very confusing and a bit of a time waster. No really good individual performances either.
The Miami Dolphins: Dolphin Tale
'Cause of the, uh...dolphin...
The Minnesota Vikings: New Year's Eve
There is so much talent, yet it is just purely...awful.
The New England Patriots: The Ides of March
The Ides of March was definitely one of the best movies I've seen this year. If I had to describe it in four words, I'd chose the following: Kick-butt...incredible...jackhammer...outstanding..
All of those words I would also use to describe the New England Patriots.
However, much like George Clooney in the film, we didn't really see as much of Chad Ochocinco as we would've liked, but oh well.
The New Orleans Saints: Midnight in Paris
The New York Giants: Bad Teacher
It's hard to be a consistent team when you have someone leading the team who is a downright nincompoop.
I'm looking at you, Coughlin.
The New York Jets: The Big Year
At least, that's what Rex Ryan thought...
The Oakland Raiders: Carnage
A lot of drama throughout, yet still fairly remarkable.
Not to mention it contained some surprisingly implausible performances.
The Philadelphia Eagles: Hanna
I remember going to the movies week after week and seeing "Hanna" everywhere. Hanna on a poster. Hanna on my cup. Hanna on my popcorn bucket. That's exactly like the Eagles; they tried to make everyone think that they would be great, but it just turns out that they suck.
The Pittsburgh Steelers: Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy
Definitely one of the best of the year.
(I'm just trying to talk positively about the Steelers because I don't want James Harrison coming and pounding my head into the keyboard or something; but in all honesty, I'm really not afraid of that dumb son of...
The San Diego Chargers: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn (Part 1)
I just really don't understand how someone can be a fan of such a disappointing franchise.
The San Francisco 49ers: The Artist
Not a lot of talk, just a near perfect showing.
The Seattle Seahawks: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 2)
No matter how good this franchise does, I don't think I will ever be able to take it seriously.
The St. Louis Rams: 30 Minutes or Less
For how long the Rams can perform in a single game.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The Adjustment Bureau
The biggest disappointment/flop of the year. Yikes.
The Tennessee Titans: The Hangover Part II
Ever since Chris Johnson signed that ridiculous contract extension, he has been playing like an alcoholic with a hangover.
The Washington Redskins: Priest
I'd feel like an idiot of a human being if I thought it was actually good.