Michael Jordan and Yvette Prieto Prenup: How Should It Look?

Timothy RappFeatured ColumnistDecember 30, 2011

Michael Jordan and Yvette Prieto Prenup: How Should It Look?

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    After losing $168 million in his divorce to Juanita Jordan, his first wife, Jordan would be wise to get a prenuptial agreement this time around.

    And Jordan, who is engaged to model Yvette Prieto, is a business-savvy man. I think he'll protect his assets this time around.

    But what might be found in that prenup? What sort of strange conditions might Jordan have his lawyer attempt to write into the contract for marriage numero dos?

    Let's take a look.

Provision No. 10: Space Jam

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    Space Jam is the greatest film of all time and should be treated as such. Mr. Jordan wanted this provision to be made very clear.

Provision No. 9: Basketball Talk

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    Mr. Jordan's decisions concerning the Charlotte Bobcat's shall never be called into question. The following excerpt from Howard Beck's New York Times article during the recent NBA lockout shall never be cited:

    Jordan’s emergence as a leader of the hard-line owners is curious. Although his stance was no mystery — he was fined $100,000 this summer for speaking publicly about the need to reduce costs — he had largely stayed in the background until now.

    As a historical matter, during the last labor crisis, in 1998, Jordan famously challenged Abe Pollin, the Washington Wizards owner at the time, reportedly bellowing, “If you can’t make a profit, you should sell your team.”

    At the time, Jordan was a superstar who had made $33 million — the most in league history — in his final season with the Chicago Bulls. Now he is a cost-cutting owner in one of the league’s toughest markets. Today’s stars may soon be challenging him in a similar manner.

Provision No. 8: Scottie Pippen

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    Henceforth, and in lieu of the views Mr. Pippen expressed concerning LeBron James, Ms. Prieto shall refer to Pippen only as "The Sidekick." Failure to do so will result in Ms. Prieto being required to sing "Be Like Mike," and repeated used of Mr. Pippen's name will be grounds for divorce.

Provision No. 7: Gambling

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    Mr. Jordan will go gambling with Charles Barkley, according to Mr. Jordan, "Whenever he damn well pleases."

    He will not be questioned if he spends an exorbitant amount of money doing so.

Provision No. 6: The Grudge List

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    Here are parts two and three.

    Ms. Prieto is now legally required, upon signing this agreement, to hold a grudge and/or despise the following people: Jerry Krause, Mr. Jordan's high school coach, Pop Herring, John Starks, Kwame Brown, sportswriters who doubted him and anyone else who may have provided an obstacle in his life, questioned his ability in some way or didn't properly stroke his ego.

    Many of their names, as addressed later, shall not so much as be uttered.

Provision No. 5: Hanes Jokes

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    Any Hanes jokes, at any time, for any reason, shall be met with an immediate divorce. This includes saying to Mr. Jordan, "Wait 'til I get my Hanes on you!' during a striptease or sexual encounter.

    This will kill the mood for Mr. Jordan.

Provision No. 4: Hitler Mustache

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    Any reference ever to anything directly or indirectly connected to a "Hitler mustache" is immediate grounds for divorce.

Provision No. 3: Forbidden Phrases And/or Words

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    Use of the following phrases and/or words shall be grounds for divorce: Birmingham Barons, Washington Wizards, Kwame Brown, Karla Knafel, Juanita Jordan and any combination of the following: gambling, conspiracy, suspension, debt, problem.

Provision No. 2: The Tongue

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    Mr. Jordan shall require one "tongue-wagging-out-of-mouth" kiss per day, as this wagging tongue has traditionally been his trademark both as a basketball player and a lover.

Provision No. 1: Terms for Use of the Word Goat

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    At no point during the duration of this marriage shall the phrase "Greatest of All Time" (henceforth "GOAT") be used in conjunction with the following: LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson or Wilt Chamberlain.

    Also, repeated use of the phrase "GOAT" in conjunction with Tiger Woods shall be considered a form of adultery given the past of Woods and his relationship to Mr. Jordan. However, occasional references of Woods as the "GOAT" are acceptable, namely if he returns to his golfing form and the phrase becomes applicable.

     

    My name is Timothy Rapp, and I put the "grrrr" in Swagger.

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